I cannot tell you how much I have wanted to write here in my journal again. There have been so many ideas and even a couple of documents which I started but did not get completed. I did not expect my moving house to have bound my energy so much that my writing would come to a total stand still. I enjoy writing here and sharing with all of you who read my journal. There is a lot to catch up on but let me start with the last and then I will try to find the time to go back to the beginning and if what I was writing is still relevant, I will finish it and post it here later.
The latest news it that it finally happened! .......I had to turn someone away.
I had a couple for a 4 hour couple's booking and from the moment they arrived something was amiss. I could not pin point it at the time but afterwards it became very clear - the attitude of the male member of the couple was simply not right. I say this without judgment for he has his reasons for being the way he is. But what became very clear to me is that I do indeed have a choice of who I work with. I have always know this, but never had to put it into practice. What was wrong you may be asking?
Well to start with he took over the conversation and did not allow his female partner to speak. He tried to involve me in an intellectual discussion about the meaning of the word Tantra - of course always showing that he knew better. She during all this giggled and if I asked her something directly, she gave un-informative answers almost in a shy way looking to him for approval or recognition. My initial conversation is always about finding out something about the person or the couple in front of me and also giving them the opportunity to ask me questions. So initially I wanted to know something about their relationship and what brought them to Tantra. I also asked what they were wanting to achieve with the workshop or if there was something they wanted to work on. Granted, these are pretty standard questions but they do usually open up the conversation and I always get answers that lead into a more personal discussion. It gives me an idea of where the person or couple is coming from, and it gives us time to get to know each other a bit before starting the practical work.
But with this couple I could not get answers. They…or rather he was evasive and instead of answering asked me what the word Tantra meant. This surprised me – I don’t think anyone has asked me this before. Usually the questions are related to the practice of Tantra or how I came to Tantra or Tantra in South Africa. When I asked him what he already knew about Tantra, he answered that he was here to hear what I knew and what I had to show. I however did not feel inclined to show anything. It was confusing and what I did understand was the growing atmosphere of antagonism.
When I asked about their sex life, he said something about it being "a good f*** with her" while she grinned from ear to ear. I said something to the effect that I then hoped to show them how to "stop f***ing and start loving" and she reassured me that there was lots of that. I however felt nothing of this love between them or in the situation with me. It was then that I realized I would not be able to work with them unless they opened up a bit more and we were able to get some kind of conversation going. If we could not do that, how would we be able to work together warmly, trustingly and intimately...? I did not know how this was to work. Finally I said I would rather give them back their money than work under these circumstances. Then he really went to town saying I was a phony and knew nothing about Tantra and a whole lot of things more while I was taking down her banking details for the refund.
It was only after they left that it dawned on me that she had made the booking, she had made the payment, I had her phone number, her email address, she had not given me his name in the our correspondence referring to him simply as my partner, they had come in two cars, she had told me that she is divorced but he had told me nothing about himself and they had both been evasive about their relationship. When I put this together, I realised it very probably meant that they were having an affair. I was stunned that it had not dawned on me earlier and a number of aspects of the introductory talk became clear.
Tantra is totally honest. There is no reason to lie about anything and no reason to hurt an unknowing partner. There is every reason to be honest. It is all about what kind of energy you want to put out in the world. If you put out lies and dishonesty you will attract this back or something equivalent. This is not necessarily a moral standpoint, it is one of self-care and self-loving. Put into life what you would like back. Take care of yourself by giving what you yourself would wish to receive.
Of course the session could not work. This was what I had felt at the outset of our meeting when I felt that something was amiss.
How did I feel after they had left? It felt good not to have made a bad compromise. It felt good to have listened to my inner voice, but I felt a deep sadness about not being able to reach them. I felt sorrow for the woman who allowed this kind of “relating” to be a part of her life. He was so respectless towards her and she appeared to be so unaware of it. That hurt. My soul quietly reached out to her with the love that she should be getting and giving herself. As for him, I felt the pain of the helplessness behind the surface of arrogance he projected. He didn’t know better and he did not feel good inside. I did tell him as they were going that he was not ready for Tantra and that is true. It takes a readiness and usually the people coming to see me have this.
What is this readiness? It is a willingness and an openness to experience oneself in a new and very special way and in so doing, to want to begin to perceive life without the coloured lens we usually wear in our lives.
All it takes is this willingness, and when we are able to take away the lens a whole knew wondrous world opens up to us…..
….we see the clear sky on a cloudy day
….we hear the rain drops touching the leaves
….we feel the wind caressing our skin
….we taste the beauty of life itself in one moment,
in every small moment making each one feel like a lifetime of intensity and joy!
Namaste
Leandra
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