Old Year's Eve - looking back on 2008

"Change" - Mixed Media
Painting by Leandra

It is that time of the year again. The end of the year is a time of retrospect in one way or the other for most of us. Some of us do this consciously, taking account of what the year was like while floating ideas about how we’d like the incoming year to be, others do it subconsciously, becoming aware only of the one or other feeling or emotion, as one year closes and the other opens. Yet others, not wanting to look back at all let alone feel, revel in the festivities keeping themselves busier than ever before.

I cannot help but look back consciously. It happens almost automatically as thoughts and emotions arise, hallowing in a process that lasts for many weeks, only coming to the end with some kind of revelation, indicating that the process is complete. This year, it is evident to me, that it has been a tumultuous year - a time of great progress, but it’s also been something like a bumper-to-bumper, stop-and-go freeway! Some of you have shared parts of this with me, others will have noticed certain announcements on my website suddenly no longer there. All along I have wanted to share more with you all, my own confusion however, prevented me verbalizing anything of clarity about what was going on. Now finally, on the last day of the year, the revelation is there and I am ready to share.

My vision at the outset of the year was, that of men and women on a tantric path working with me, of Tantra Sacred Massage sessions being more continuously and readily available in the three centres I work in; a vision of my aloneness in the field comforted by associates and colleagues, a vision of sharing what I had gained with a group of emerging tantric professionals, joining hands in promoting Tantra in South Africa. It really was a very nice vision.

Throughout the year I had been putting in much time and effort to find men and particularly women and to join me, and all year all these efforts had evolved into major and minor disasters, leaving me feeling confused, sometimes frustrated, many times disappointed and a lot of the time exasperated. It also left me questioning why this was so. There seemed to be no difference between my recruiting potential trainees from South Africa or those from abroad - whatever I did, it did not want to work. I had numerous applications, many interviews, and even some training beginnings. In one case, the training went far enough for the trainee to facilitate a first massage session on her own. It was all so promising - had not each and every potential trainee, not committed for one reason or the other.

Some found more lucrative work, others were only superficially willing to immerse themselves in the training. Some were willing to do everything except lingam or yoni massages, others found the thought of working with other races appalling. Some even did not like the idea of being naked – which did not cease to surprise me as the nature of the massage was totally clear. I would say to these, “Okay, but with the amount of oil we use, you will actually ruin your clothes apart from it being very uncomfortable”! The reasons were endless. One foreign practitioner, with whom I had previously co-operated, contradicting the very essence of Tantra, wrote that it no longer “felt right” to be working with men, and that she was now doing “Goddess – work” only.

With others from abroad, hard reality was to be discovered in hidden agendas, contradicting the written and accepted training plan, and completely unrelated to what I was offering, to what was available or required for that matter. I found myself being discarded as soon as my worth in the materializing of their agendas had outlived itself.

The most baffling aspect to me, was the way in which this all happened: books I had lent were not returned, my phone calls not taken and emails left unanswered. All this left me feeling quite shaken at the amount of respectlessness thrown at me - and so I began to doubt what I was attempting to do. Not one of the potential trainees had funding to pay for the training, which resulted in me offering the training free of charge, with the exception of a small registration fee. This was a mistake, living in a society in which that which is financially free is not valued. With one exception, not even the registration fee was paid! The little free time I had, taken up with training, was left unrewarded.

Looking back over a year like this, I had to ask myself “What am I doing wrong?”, while also wondering if it had something to do with the nature of the work. When the results of so much time and effort show that amount of failure time and time again, it is, I suppose, quite natural to feel like a failure one’s self. And yes, it did feel like this many times. It took a while for me to realise that the surface respectlessness I had experienced was probably anger, and so coming out of the confusion of all this, I had two major questions: “What does the nature of the work have to do with this?” and “What am I doing wrong?”

In answer to the first question, I realised that the major factor leading to South Africans pulling out of the training was fear. The path of Tantra is still connected to many fears hear in South Africa. Sexuality is still such a taboo and sexuality that is entrenched with spirituality is, for many, unheard of, making it such a huge step, sometimes too big a step, for anyone to take to come into this work. Fear so often precedes anger and this was projected onto me - so I assumed.

The answer to the second question took me almost the full year. I finally realised my mistake and was able to take responsibility for the situation I found myself in. I had been trying far too hard to make my vision come true. It felt like a great vision and I assumed it was exactly what was needed for the on-going work. Tantra in South Africa needed more facilitators in order to continue growing and so I pursued this vision without looking left or right, not allowing any failure to pull me down. “So what if I was not being successful, the vision is good so just keep going, at some stage it must all materialise” – so I thought.

There are times when holding onto a vision is the best one can to do, believing in it and putting everything in place in order to make it true. There are other times however, when this is the most unproductive thing to do, and it is important let go. It took me most of the year to understand that I needed to let go.

Re-assessing my vision began around October this year. My plans to share a rented house in a lovely area of Cape Town with two students, a married couple who were returning from abroad, turned sour, resulting in financial loss and a legal battle that no one thought I could possibly win. It was then, that the thought occurred to me, “I must be doing something very wrong if Existence has to come onto me so heavily to make me take notice! What is it that I have not been seeing, not been wanting to see?”

It was finally during the legal battle that I had an explosion of clarity. I had signed a 3-year lease with a parent of one of the students while they were still abroad, and I was legally committed to this document. Without everyone involved agreeing, there was no way I could get out of this lease. However all the parties involved had no interest in letting me out of the lease, I had been good prey, having invested my time, energy and money finding the house and finalising the lease, and now I had to pay my share of the rent, whether I moved into the house or not. Not only that, they had, so it seemed, disappeared after moving in - the house was empty, even of furniture, and all communication channels broke down for weeks. The parent, my lease partner, also did not take my calls or answer my emails. With the next months total rent pending, I appeared to be in a hopeless position. The lawyer I sought out painted a bleak picture and did not do very much to try to achieve anything.

At my lowest point, when I felt really, really stupid for having gotten myself into this position, when I seemed to have no way out, when I felt my most helpless, used, misused, hurt, angry, exasperated and worried… it was then, when I felt completely powerless, in a quiet moment and very alone, that the answer came: “Thy will, not my will, be done” - these words arose from my deepest self and echoed throughout my whole being, like a village church bell, ringing and ringing. I had been following my will and had not asked what Existence wanted from me.

After that things moved swiftly. Quite suddenly, as if a glowing light had been turned on, I discovered my power, a power I had not felt before. Thy will, not my will be done - I was free! Yes free. Not only of the helplessness I had felt, but also of the self-doubt....and more importantly, free of the vision which I had been holding on to.

As I changed inwardly and emotionally, so the tables turned completely. It really was such a simple thing that tipped the scales. All I then had then to do was to stay in this clarity. As I did, the card in my hand that I could still play became clear, and while the risk was high and everyone advised against it, I knew that this was the only card I had, and that I had to play it well. It was exhilarating. All the frustration I had experienced now appeared to have been worthwhile, in order for me to have this revelation. I began to feel gratitude for the whole experience.

No longer distressed, no longer hurt or angry, no longer afraid, I could forgive everyone for what they had done and were doing. It was not their fault. It was horrible, it was unfair, it was deceiving - but that was actually not my business but their business! My business was only in taking responsibility for all my decisions that had gotten me into the mess in the first place. Recognising this, and the fact that I had been acting out of a personal neediness brought the necessary freedom. I needed company. I needed assistance. I needed to share. I needed people to join me in my work. It was my need motivating me into manoeuvring myself into this corner. Decisions based on neediness result in blind spots. I had not been aware of how compromising my values had resulted in the difficulties I now had.

No longer a victim, I was able to follow through with the one small thing on my side…and I did. I gave the other lease party back the onus of transferring the monthly rent and announced to everyone that I would no longer be paying my portion of the rent! So simple. It took everyone 5 days to take me seriously and then, amazingly, the communication channels were suddenly wonderfully open again. The agent said, “The owner will take you to court”. I said, “I don’t mind, he will have to take the other party to court as well”. She also said, "you will lose the house”, I said “I don't want the house!”. It was wonderful to feel this power. And I was able to get out of the lease to all the conditions I had previously unsuccessfully offered. I was no longer a victim. I never had been a victim. I was my own do-er and I could be my own do-er again and so I was!

It was over. I was so much richer. What I finally had to pay in hard cash in order to have this realisation was worth every cent. Looking back, I would not change a thing. It was an invaluable lesson for me. Furthermore, I inwardly could say to all those involved in teaching me this life lesson, "I thank you. You did it well!"

I am aware that, for many a businessman out there this is part of daily professional life. For me it was new and it felt great. I took responsibility and played my card…and I played it well.

Never the less, I still had one test to go: there was one more arrangement with another couple from abroad that was already in full swing. With the clarity I now had, I knew that I would no longer compromise myself, I was going to take note of the still small voice inside warning me of previously ignored tell-tale signs - this time I would act decisively and sooner.

I had already gone to great lengths for this couple and I was excited and hopeful. I was also more conscious of what was needed for things to not only feel good, but to really be good. It did not take long for certain discrepancies and a couple of blatant lies to become clear. I became aware that their intentions were actually quite opposed to what we had agreed upon. This time I simply let go. I let go of the vision, I let go of my plans, I let go of the disappointment that my efforts had once again been misused. I let go of the hurt. I let go of my victim story. I let it all go....and I let them go! It felt good to be able to do this so easily and to simply move on.

Moving on has meant to me, to re-evaluate my intentions, to take a deeper look at the meaning of this apparent failure to find suitable people to join me in this work, and to take full responsibility for all that had happened. I was no longer the victim of other peoples' inadequacy to commit honestly. I was the "do-er", the creator of my own circumstances. After months of persevering hopelessly, I could see the answer so simply: actually, Existence was not going to fulfil my vision, and was obviously not wanting what I was wanting. Acting out of an emotional and practical neediness, it was my need for colleges and support that promoted the desire for others to join me in my work. I realise now that no matter how much demand there was, no matter how much I wanted to fulfil the needs of my students all over the country, no matter how much compassion I had for the sexual and intimacy related heart-break abounding in South Africa, …it simply had to be “Thy will not my will be done” in all that I envisaged and did. I have to step back and wait for things to happen in a way that was acceptable and flowing. And...I had to wait patiently.

I am now ready to move into 2009 with this clarity. I am on my own and it is okay to be alone in this. I know of the necessity for more good professional tantric work, I also know that this need will be fulfilled when it is ready to be fulfilled. Until then, I will continue passing on what I know to my students so that my gnosis can also become theirs. The rest is not up to me.

It has been a deeply meaningful past year.

I wish to thank you all from the depths of my heart for your trust, your support, your willingness, and your love. It is the personal journey of each and every one of you that constantly encourage me forwards. To those who have been listeners as well as advisors during this difficult time, I want you to know that I cherish you for being there when I needed you and for the insight into your thinking, your assessment and your understanding of the situation, that you so freely allowed me. I thank you!

As I send you all my love, I also take yours with me into 2009. May it be a wonderful, successful, and most fulfilling year for us all.

Namaste
Leandra

Osho on love

I have spent much time lately thinking about the relevance of sex to meditation. It is what I teach but some students challenge me on this in one way or another. It makes me think. Am I doing the right thing? How can I assist students on attaining more meaning in their lives and seeing beyond little human pleasures? How do I teach someone who cannot seem to bring spirituality and sexuality together. I came across some words of OSHO that I want to share with you. The first is simply about the body - after all that is where sexuality takes place. Accepting the body as a part of the Divine is not an easy task for many of us. But OSHO states that it is through the body that we become closer to God.

"Only by loving your body will you become closer to God. The body knows how to dance, how to sing, how to pulsate with God. When the body starts to vibrate with the divine Suddenly you will see your soul is also vibrating. Your body and your soul are one."
Osho

And then there is the subject of Love. This too is such a central part of my teaching. To me God IS ultimate Love and in one form or another, love is so often spoken about in all religions and many teachings. But what is actually meant and how to love, that is the question. Osho gives some insight:

Love is the fragrance, the radiance of knowing oneself, of being oneself...
Love is overflowing joy.
Love is when you have seen who you are; and then there is nothing left except to share your being with others.
Love is when you have seen that you are not separate from existence.
Love is when you have felt an organic orgasmic unity with all that is.
Love is not a relationship.
Love is a state of being.
It has nothing to do with anybody else. One is not in love, one is love.
And of course when one is love, one is in love - but that is an outcome, a by-product, that is not the source. The source is that one is love....."
Osho: The Guest Chapter 6

So then how does this relate to Tantra and my particular teaching of Tantra? Once again I wish to answer with a quote from Osho:

"Tantra is a love effort towards existence. That is why so much of sex has been used by Tantra: because it is a love technique.It is not only love between man and woman; it is love between you and existence, and for the first time existence becomes meaningful to you through a woman. If you are a woman, then existence becomes for the first time meaningful to you through a man."
OSHO: The Book of Secrets Chapter 43

So for now, these words are here for you to ponder on. My Tantra massage teacher in Germany Klaus Smeds said: "Tantra is lived love" and that is certainly what I have experienced. My coming onto and into the path of Tantra has and is continually teaching me to live this love in a way I have never before appreciated, embracing every aspect of my being and all aspects of my human experience....and allowing me to simply be who I am.

I am so blessed. If I am able to pass this onto my students just a little bit, I have achieved something of relevance in my life.

Namaste
Leandra

Learning lessons

I read something this morning that I want to share with you all. It is a quote by OSHO and I read it on the OSHO International Newsletter (from the website www.osho.com) and I had to read it twice to actually grasp the meaning on a deep level. Here it is:

"When you are different the whole world is different. It is not a question of creating a different world, it is a question of creating a different you"

I was wondering about how that works and looking back over the last 6 weeks and the chaos I have been experiencing and had to ask myself: "What did I change that made the chaos start turning into beautiful order?" and "How am I different that my world has become different?"

All I did was try to take the lesson Existence had been teaching me these last weeks. It is very easy to blame others or the actual situation for the circumstances and a lot harder to ask one's self: "What did I do to create this experience?" It feels like having to take the blame for something you did not intend. It is however not a question of blame when you ask; "What did i do to create this?" It is far more a question of responsibility. Of taking responsibility for all your actions, even the ones done subconsciously, acting out of conditioned fear. The fear to be real is great for each and every one of us. It is a strong fear....what if I am really REAL, what if all the games come to a standstill and I am able to perceive my real Spirit self, what would happen...? Well I don't know what will happen but it is scary to most people to even think of this. We are so protected from this by the outer layers of a life lived. We all have stories to tell of how life played it's tricks on us and made things really difficult. And I am no exception.

This year has been a whirlwind of growth to the Tantra Sacred Massage practice. I had this vision of growing a small community of tantrikers here in SA and in order to do that and to cope with the huge demand for sessions, I decided to start a training program.

Namaste
Leandra

Stopping over

I’m on my way from Jo’burg to my home on the KZN south coast once again and made a stop-over at the top of the Drakensberg. Lovely place this – the Caterpillar and Catfish B & B and restaurant – a bit of a secret tucked away at the top of Olifiershoek Pass. I was so impressed with the meal I had here quite some time ago that I have been coming back again and again on my own and with guests from Germany including my daughter and her boyfriend they were here last. Situated right on the pass road just before you descend, they have a brilliant 5-star cook. Not once have I been disappointed.

Why am I writing this to you…?

Well, talking to a number of students this past week in JHB, I mentioned that I could actually teach most of what I teach with food instead of sexual energy! Tantra uses all the senses to bring you into the moment and away from the mind. I tell my students, next meal take your time and eat in silence, savouring every portion of food you place in your mouth. Don’t mix the different items on your plate, take them separately, and enjoy every moment of tasting each portion. What a difference that makes to your eating experience and what a difference to your level of satisfaction and contentment after such a meal. Of course we use our meals as communicative spaces in time, when families get together and we talk about our day. There is nothing against that. It is very important. But as an exercise try it and see what it does for you.

Of course a really wonderful, tasty meal helps too although the meekest piece of food will taste abundantly better is eaten in silence with closed eyes allowing it to melt on the tongue. So why am I telling you about my stop over? Well I don’t mind doing a bit of advertising for the Caterpillar & Catfish if it encourages you to take Olifiershoek Pass next time on your way to the coast from Gauteng. If you do, do stop here for lunch or an overnight stay in order to experience one of their outstanding meals. I savoured my trout and rice this evening after lazing in a huge bath feeling the sensation of hot water on my skin. Beforehand, I had stood outside in awe of the round full moon shining through rocking branches of the huge ancient trees on the crest of the Northern Berg. I felt the cool night breeze caressing my skin and as I did so, I sank into a moment of absolute bliss. It all tasted so wonderful! The more we use our senses to come into the depth of now, the closer we get to submerging into bliss.

If you feel uncomfortable doing this with your sexual sense, how about trying it with what you eat?

It did me good. I enjoyed connecting with who I really am through my sense of taste, smell, and sight. I smelt the freshness of the Drakensberg air as it brushed past my nostrils; I heard the leaves of those majestic trees rustling to the tender touch of wind, the odd cricket chirping and it felt as if I could hear the night itself. It was then that I had that moment of hearing me.

We need times like this. Time to stop, rest and simply be.
Namaste
Leandra

Catching up

I received an email from Australia this morning - it was my mentor Ron Solo saying " You must be busy as I noticed that you have not done a lot of work on your web site." and asking when I was going to post the second article he had written for my website....!

Well yes, I have been very, very busy - mainly with the work between my three bases, JHB, CT and my home on the KZN south coast - but then in between actually still settling into my new house. Although I moved in at the end of January, I am only there for 2 weeks at a time between my visits to JHB and CT. I unpacked the last boxes just a week ago, shortly before my present trip to CT. During the two weeks I was home I also started painting the interior of the house - a lovely deep almost olive green and a colour called Stone Wall and when I left everything was in turmoil. Ultimately the walls will be soothing, especially with the view onto lush subtropical vegetation with the Indian Ocean on the horizon. But for the time being it is just work with a fair amount of stress! I sincerely hope that my helpers will manage to sort it all out the chaos I left behind before I get back at the end of next week.

But there is something else too! I have spent the last 5 weeks or so, looking for new premises here in CT. Oh yes, I took a flat earlier this year from where I have been working, but at the time I already knew it was a temporary thing. Why? Because two wonderful students of mine are returning from Europe where they have been living the last 2 years and with their three children will be settling in CT.

As they are going to be going into the work, we decided to take a house together: a house where we could work from, that would be their home and a base for me when I am in CT. I have some wonderful trainees here in CT who have assisted this process by viewing the houses and giving me a feed back. When I arrived earlier this week, we had singled out two for me to look at and then the decision fell. We have found our house. Tantra Sacred Massage will have a base for the next 2 – 3 years at least. With that goes the fact that CT will have a permanent female as well as a male massage practitioner as of the end of August/early September. Finally! This is such good news to me. It is going to be so much easier for you to make bookings and keep individual processes more regular.

I’m not going to reveal to much about this new space now…but shortly there will be more news about this on the website.

In the mean time, I will have to write to Ron, "yes, I have been far too busy and have neglected to write in my journal and to post your article on the Tantric Lessons page…ultimately though I have been busy doing the work but in another corner of the room."

So to all of you – and I know there are more of you out there missing my regular journal entries – I have been busy with the same cause, promoting and furthering Tantra in South Africa….and not any kind of Tantra, but a good quality of Tantra. The development has been exciting and it will remain exciting in the months to come. I will however make a point of making time for putting Ron’s article on the website and for keeping you updated with what is going on here in my journal.

Warm greetings
Leandra

Life in Germany and spiritual lessons

I know...many of you are telling me...I've been so quiet here and that is very true. It is taking time for me to settle into a routine again. And really, there is no routine about my life at the moment! I am presently in Cape Town for 3 weeks - the first week is just coming to a close - and have moved into a rented centrally situated flat here from which I will be working for the next 6 months or so at least. It is "klein aber fein" as the Germans would say...meaning small but really nice and suits the purpose for the time being. Ultimately though, I would like to have a house with a garden as a venue and the prospect of that is not too far away.

Students of mine who have been living in Russia are returning to SA later this year and as soon as they have settled we intend to find a house that will be home to them as well as the Tantra Sacred Massage practice. Not only that. but Cape Town will be getting a lovely and genuine tantric massage practitioner more or less permanently. This is what I have been dreaming of - just had to wait till Existence put all into place. Since training with me, they have continued their tantric journey with European Tantra schools and will bring their experience back with them.

In addition to that, I have started training one female and one male in Tantra Sacred Massage. Both are lovely and worthy people to take up this work. I will keep you posted on their progress and when they are ready to work with clients. I had a couple of other women interested but all the others opted out shortly before training started and I am sure you understand why. There are so many stigmas attached to this work here in SA - well perhaps in other places too, but certainly here - and I assume they or their partners got nervous. That is fine though. It all has to be right for it to happen and Existence does not allow things to happen that should not - at least that is my experience. When we try to force things, they go wrong or become extremely difficult or strenuous and it is best to wait with our desires and dreams till they materialise. Just put the message out and do all in your power to make it real and then wait for the signs about whether it is going to happen or not. I have lived by this for many, many years and it does work!

Many years ago, in fact in the late eighties, both my husband and I had the pleasure and privilege of attending most of the seminars of Art Reade, an Apache/Mexican spiritual teacher and life coach who was, and is very popular in Germany. That was the first time I heard about what is today called “The Law of Attraction”. Those of you who have seen the movie or read the book “The Secret” will know what is meant. Art gave us exercises to do that taught this basic life truth and way back then I had my first experiences of how it functioned.

At the time, it was our deepest desire to buy a house. Our daughter was a toddler and I dearly wanted a garden for her to play in. I also wanted my life easier as we lived in a lovely old flat with huge rooms and high ceilings - one of the few beautiful old buildings left standing in Hamburg after the war - but the building had no lift!

I used a bicycle to get around – as most people do in Germany - and the bicycle had to be kept in the flat because of theft or parts being demolished or stolen and tires punctured if I locked my bike to the railings in the entrance hall - oh yes, some South Africans don’t want to believe it, but there was actually a lot of malicious petty crime in Germany then and now.

You try coping with a tired, hungry toddler dressed in all the winter garb – boots, jackets, caps, woollen scarves and a bike with a child’s seat connected to the handlebars up and down the staircase! Oh, not to mention the bags of groceries as well. I was constantly up and down. First my daughter, then the shopping, then the bike….and the ceilings being extremely high – almost like two floors…it was a lot of staircase to climb to get onto our landing! So I was really keen to have a house with a ground floor and a garden. With our budget and the price of houses in west of Hamburg (one of the more expensive cities in Germany and the west had some of the priciest suburbs), it was a pretty difficult thing to do.

Art gave us a visualisation one day – to visualise our future home and we had to draw a picture of what we saw. I drew this quaint house with a steep roof and underneath an attic. It had a small garden with a thigh-high picket type metal fence in front. I drew all the details and put ourselves in the garden – including a dog (something my husband never wanted but I did). We were to hang the picture up where we could see it each day. We were told to breath it, smell it, taste it, love it each day until it materialised.

I did this for a while until finally some friends who had two young children bought one of these lovely old flats with a garden in a quiet suburb in the west of Hamburg. There was a flat on the first floor, exactly above them that was also for sale – so we grabbed it. The idea of living above our friends - our children would play together and a whole lot of other positive aspects of living in the same building would come into play - was wonderful. So we bought it! Or so we thought. We had an appointment to sign the papers at the lawyer’s office and I was at home putting on my make up when the phone rang. It was the owner. He apologised but told me that the appointment was canceled as his sister had sold the flat behind his back and that the new owners had already just signed! My heart fell into my shoes, tears popped into my eyes - I could not believe it. I phoned my husband who told me he was on the verge of leaving work to drive to the lawyer…he was speechless. We were both devastated that evening. I phoned my mom in Durban and cried my woes and it was she who put things straight. She said simply: “I thought you wanted a house…?”

I was stunned – yes we did. We had wanted a house, our own house with our own garden and I had drawn a picture had I not? I searched for the drawing, pasted it onto the wall again, and started the procedure again. We had been side tracked by our friends taking the flat. We had not really believed that we would find a house in our price bracket. We were unbelievers….that was the problem. So this time, we firmly held onto our dream. We knew we would find something if it was meant to be and at the time was right. We believed. We sent the proper message out into Existence, the message of our little dream house.

I am sure you all know what the end of this story is going to be…? We found out house!

It was in west of Hamburg, a small double storied house with an attic and a cellar and a garden. It was within walking distance to both a lovely country primary school ( you could look out of the class room windows onto fields with cows and horses) and a high school, a couple of minutes to the city train station that would connect us with the whole of Hamburg…and what was more, there were two nature reserves “just around the corner’ …literally. The one became our daily "walking the dog" route (oh yes, we got a lovely German bread Rhodesian Ridgeback) that took us through a little wood where dogs could meet other dogs and socialise. The other nature reserve was a weekend cycling area, through farm land with huge and typical for northern Germany high thatched roofed farmhouses and a number of stables and a huge wooded area that went on for miles and miles. Our daughter, needless to say took to horse riding, so during her high school days, we had regular bicycle rides to the stable where she had her pony and then later her horse. I spent many a freezing winter sitting in the unheated indoor riding grounds watching her ride and fretting every time she fell off during jumping practice. This little house was just in our price bracket and it became our home. We renovated the cellar to include a laundry, an office, a store room and a guest bedroom and later we renovated the attic to become a lovely additional room for guests of which there were many once our daughter started having cousins and friends from Vienna, Austria come to visit. Many a weekend was spent with the attic room filled with mattresses and the young people gadding out enjoying Hamburg’s night life.

The story of how we got our house will never be forgotten. It was proof that we often mess up the actual plan Existence has in stall for us when our faith is not strong enough. It was also proof of what today is known as “The Law of Attraction”. We attract what we visualise. We attract what is in our thoughts, in our minds. We create our experience of the world.

Getting back to Cape Town…..so often I did not believe I would or could have my own space to work in and compromised on the vision I had with many excuses. I could not afford my own space. I could not divide myself between JHB and CT and my home and what is more, the longer it took to get applicants for the training the less I believed I would find anyone who would want to enter this field of work.

Why am I writing all this? I just want to share it with you. Sometimes students are quite intrigued about how I live. I live a very normal and busy life as most people do. My faith is tested many a time and I learn constantly as I hope you do too. I learn to trust Existence with my vision for Tantra here in South Africa. I do not do this work for a living. To me that is important. I don’t want to have to do this in order to keep my roof over my head or have food on the table. I want to do it out of a passion for this path and the fact that the Divine is touching many people through my work. Tantra changed my life so positively and I am happy to be able to offer what I know and what I have experienced myself, what my teachers have taught me over the years…to pass this onto to others here in the country of my birth and the place that I call home. I feel extremely blessed that I am able to do so and that Existence has deemed me worthy to do what I do.

My love to you all
Namastè
Leandra

Turning people away

I cannot tell you how much I have wanted to write here in my journal again. There have been so many ideas and even a couple of documents which I started but did not get completed. I did not expect my moving house to have bound my energy so much that my writing would come to a total stand still. I enjoy writing here and sharing with all of you who read my journal. There is a lot to catch up on but let me start with the last and then I will try to find the time to go back to the beginning and if what I was writing is still relevant, I will finish it and post it here later.

The latest news it that it finally happened! .......I had to turn someone away.

I had a couple for a 4 hour couple's booking and from the moment they arrived something was amiss. I could not pin point it at the time but afterwards it became very clear - the attitude of the male member of the couple was simply not right. I say this without judgment for he has his reasons for being the way he is. But what became very clear to me is that I do indeed have a choice of who I work with. I have always know this, but never had to put it into practice. What was wrong you may be asking?

Well to start with he took over the conversation and did not allow his female partner to speak. He tried to involve me in an intellectual discussion about the meaning of the word Tantra - of course always showing that he knew better. She during all this giggled and if I asked her something directly, she gave un-informative answers almost in a shy way looking to him for approval or recognition. My initial conversation is always about finding out something about the person or the couple in front of me and also giving them the opportunity to ask me questions. So initially I wanted to know something about their relationship and what brought them to Tantra. I also asked what they were wanting to achieve with the workshop or if there was something they wanted to work on. Granted, these are pretty standard questions but they do usually open up the conversation and I always get answers that lead into a more personal discussion. It gives me an idea of where the person or couple is coming from, and it gives us time to get to know each other a bit before starting the practical work.

But with this couple I could not get answers. They…or rather he was evasive and instead of answering asked me what the word Tantra meant. This surprised me – I don’t think anyone has asked me this before. Usually the questions are related to the practice of Tantra or how I came to Tantra or Tantra in South Africa. When I asked him what he already knew about Tantra, he answered that he was here to hear what I knew and what I had to show. I however did not feel inclined to show anything. It was confusing and what I did understand was the growing atmosphere of antagonism.

When I asked about their sex life, he said something about it being "a good f*** with her" while she grinned from ear to ear. I said something to the effect that I then hoped to show them how to "stop f***ing and start loving" and she reassured me that there was lots of that. I however felt nothing of this love between them or in the situation with me. It was then that I realized I would not be able to work with them unless they opened up a bit more and we were able to get some kind of conversation going. If we could not do that, how would we be able to work together warmly, trustingly and intimately...? I did not know how this was to work. Finally I said I would rather give them back their money than work under these circumstances. Then he really went to town saying I was a phony and knew nothing about Tantra and a whole lot of things more while I was taking down her banking details for the refund.
It was only after they left that it dawned on me that she had made the booking, she had made the payment, I had her phone number, her email address, she had not given me his name in the our correspondence referring to him simply as my partner, they had come in two cars, she had told me that she is divorced but he had told me nothing about himself and they had both been evasive about their relationship. When I put this together, I realised it very probably meant that they were having an affair. I was stunned that it had not dawned on me earlier and a number of aspects of the introductory talk became clear.

Tantra is totally honest. There is no reason to lie about anything and no reason to hurt an unknowing partner. There is every reason to be honest. It is all about what kind of energy you want to put out in the world. If you put out lies and dishonesty you will attract this back or something equivalent. This is not necessarily a moral standpoint, it is one of self-care and self-loving. Put into life what you would like back. Take care of yourself by giving what you yourself would wish to receive.

Of course the session could not work. This was what I had felt at the outset of our meeting when I felt that something was amiss.

How did I feel after they had left? It felt good not to have made a bad compromise. It felt good to have listened to my inner voice, but I felt a deep sadness about not being able to reach them. I felt sorrow for the woman who allowed this kind of “relating” to be a part of her life. He was so respectless towards her and she appeared to be so unaware of it. That hurt. My soul quietly reached out to her with the love that she should be getting and giving herself. As for him, I felt the pain of the helplessness behind the surface of arrogance he projected. He didn’t know better and he did not feel good inside. I did tell him as they were going that he was not ready for Tantra and that is true. It takes a readiness and usually the people coming to see me have this.

What is this readiness? It is a willingness and an openness to experience oneself in a new and very special way and in so doing, to want to begin to perceive life without the coloured lens we usually wear in our lives.

All it takes is this willingness, and when we are able to take away the lens a whole knew wondrous world opens up to us…..
….we see the clear sky on a cloudy day
….we hear the rain drops touching the leaves
….we feel the wind caressing our skin
….we taste the beauty of life itself in one moment,
in every small moment making each one feel like a lifetime of intensity and joy!

Namaste
Leandra