Old Year's Eve - looking back on 2008

"Change" - Mixed Media
Painting by Leandra

It is that time of the year again. The end of the year is a time of retrospect in one way or the other for most of us. Some of us do this consciously, taking account of what the year was like while floating ideas about how we’d like the incoming year to be, others do it subconsciously, becoming aware only of the one or other feeling or emotion, as one year closes and the other opens. Yet others, not wanting to look back at all let alone feel, revel in the festivities keeping themselves busier than ever before.

I cannot help but look back consciously. It happens almost automatically as thoughts and emotions arise, hallowing in a process that lasts for many weeks, only coming to the end with some kind of revelation, indicating that the process is complete. This year, it is evident to me, that it has been a tumultuous year - a time of great progress, but it’s also been something like a bumper-to-bumper, stop-and-go freeway! Some of you have shared parts of this with me, others will have noticed certain announcements on my website suddenly no longer there. All along I have wanted to share more with you all, my own confusion however, prevented me verbalizing anything of clarity about what was going on. Now finally, on the last day of the year, the revelation is there and I am ready to share.

My vision at the outset of the year was, that of men and women on a tantric path working with me, of Tantra Sacred Massage sessions being more continuously and readily available in the three centres I work in; a vision of my aloneness in the field comforted by associates and colleagues, a vision of sharing what I had gained with a group of emerging tantric professionals, joining hands in promoting Tantra in South Africa. It really was a very nice vision.

Throughout the year I had been putting in much time and effort to find men and particularly women and to join me, and all year all these efforts had evolved into major and minor disasters, leaving me feeling confused, sometimes frustrated, many times disappointed and a lot of the time exasperated. It also left me questioning why this was so. There seemed to be no difference between my recruiting potential trainees from South Africa or those from abroad - whatever I did, it did not want to work. I had numerous applications, many interviews, and even some training beginnings. In one case, the training went far enough for the trainee to facilitate a first massage session on her own. It was all so promising - had not each and every potential trainee, not committed for one reason or the other.

Some found more lucrative work, others were only superficially willing to immerse themselves in the training. Some were willing to do everything except lingam or yoni massages, others found the thought of working with other races appalling. Some even did not like the idea of being naked – which did not cease to surprise me as the nature of the massage was totally clear. I would say to these, “Okay, but with the amount of oil we use, you will actually ruin your clothes apart from it being very uncomfortable”! The reasons were endless. One foreign practitioner, with whom I had previously co-operated, contradicting the very essence of Tantra, wrote that it no longer “felt right” to be working with men, and that she was now doing “Goddess – work” only.

With others from abroad, hard reality was to be discovered in hidden agendas, contradicting the written and accepted training plan, and completely unrelated to what I was offering, to what was available or required for that matter. I found myself being discarded as soon as my worth in the materializing of their agendas had outlived itself.

The most baffling aspect to me, was the way in which this all happened: books I had lent were not returned, my phone calls not taken and emails left unanswered. All this left me feeling quite shaken at the amount of respectlessness thrown at me - and so I began to doubt what I was attempting to do. Not one of the potential trainees had funding to pay for the training, which resulted in me offering the training free of charge, with the exception of a small registration fee. This was a mistake, living in a society in which that which is financially free is not valued. With one exception, not even the registration fee was paid! The little free time I had, taken up with training, was left unrewarded.

Looking back over a year like this, I had to ask myself “What am I doing wrong?”, while also wondering if it had something to do with the nature of the work. When the results of so much time and effort show that amount of failure time and time again, it is, I suppose, quite natural to feel like a failure one’s self. And yes, it did feel like this many times. It took a while for me to realise that the surface respectlessness I had experienced was probably anger, and so coming out of the confusion of all this, I had two major questions: “What does the nature of the work have to do with this?” and “What am I doing wrong?”

In answer to the first question, I realised that the major factor leading to South Africans pulling out of the training was fear. The path of Tantra is still connected to many fears hear in South Africa. Sexuality is still such a taboo and sexuality that is entrenched with spirituality is, for many, unheard of, making it such a huge step, sometimes too big a step, for anyone to take to come into this work. Fear so often precedes anger and this was projected onto me - so I assumed.

The answer to the second question took me almost the full year. I finally realised my mistake and was able to take responsibility for the situation I found myself in. I had been trying far too hard to make my vision come true. It felt like a great vision and I assumed it was exactly what was needed for the on-going work. Tantra in South Africa needed more facilitators in order to continue growing and so I pursued this vision without looking left or right, not allowing any failure to pull me down. “So what if I was not being successful, the vision is good so just keep going, at some stage it must all materialise” – so I thought.

There are times when holding onto a vision is the best one can to do, believing in it and putting everything in place in order to make it true. There are other times however, when this is the most unproductive thing to do, and it is important let go. It took me most of the year to understand that I needed to let go.

Re-assessing my vision began around October this year. My plans to share a rented house in a lovely area of Cape Town with two students, a married couple who were returning from abroad, turned sour, resulting in financial loss and a legal battle that no one thought I could possibly win. It was then, that the thought occurred to me, “I must be doing something very wrong if Existence has to come onto me so heavily to make me take notice! What is it that I have not been seeing, not been wanting to see?”

It was finally during the legal battle that I had an explosion of clarity. I had signed a 3-year lease with a parent of one of the students while they were still abroad, and I was legally committed to this document. Without everyone involved agreeing, there was no way I could get out of this lease. However all the parties involved had no interest in letting me out of the lease, I had been good prey, having invested my time, energy and money finding the house and finalising the lease, and now I had to pay my share of the rent, whether I moved into the house or not. Not only that, they had, so it seemed, disappeared after moving in - the house was empty, even of furniture, and all communication channels broke down for weeks. The parent, my lease partner, also did not take my calls or answer my emails. With the next months total rent pending, I appeared to be in a hopeless position. The lawyer I sought out painted a bleak picture and did not do very much to try to achieve anything.

At my lowest point, when I felt really, really stupid for having gotten myself into this position, when I seemed to have no way out, when I felt my most helpless, used, misused, hurt, angry, exasperated and worried… it was then, when I felt completely powerless, in a quiet moment and very alone, that the answer came: “Thy will, not my will, be done” - these words arose from my deepest self and echoed throughout my whole being, like a village church bell, ringing and ringing. I had been following my will and had not asked what Existence wanted from me.

After that things moved swiftly. Quite suddenly, as if a glowing light had been turned on, I discovered my power, a power I had not felt before. Thy will, not my will be done - I was free! Yes free. Not only of the helplessness I had felt, but also of the self-doubt....and more importantly, free of the vision which I had been holding on to.

As I changed inwardly and emotionally, so the tables turned completely. It really was such a simple thing that tipped the scales. All I then had then to do was to stay in this clarity. As I did, the card in my hand that I could still play became clear, and while the risk was high and everyone advised against it, I knew that this was the only card I had, and that I had to play it well. It was exhilarating. All the frustration I had experienced now appeared to have been worthwhile, in order for me to have this revelation. I began to feel gratitude for the whole experience.

No longer distressed, no longer hurt or angry, no longer afraid, I could forgive everyone for what they had done and were doing. It was not their fault. It was horrible, it was unfair, it was deceiving - but that was actually not my business but their business! My business was only in taking responsibility for all my decisions that had gotten me into the mess in the first place. Recognising this, and the fact that I had been acting out of a personal neediness brought the necessary freedom. I needed company. I needed assistance. I needed to share. I needed people to join me in my work. It was my need motivating me into manoeuvring myself into this corner. Decisions based on neediness result in blind spots. I had not been aware of how compromising my values had resulted in the difficulties I now had.

No longer a victim, I was able to follow through with the one small thing on my side…and I did. I gave the other lease party back the onus of transferring the monthly rent and announced to everyone that I would no longer be paying my portion of the rent! So simple. It took everyone 5 days to take me seriously and then, amazingly, the communication channels were suddenly wonderfully open again. The agent said, “The owner will take you to court”. I said, “I don’t mind, he will have to take the other party to court as well”. She also said, "you will lose the house”, I said “I don't want the house!”. It was wonderful to feel this power. And I was able to get out of the lease to all the conditions I had previously unsuccessfully offered. I was no longer a victim. I never had been a victim. I was my own do-er and I could be my own do-er again and so I was!

It was over. I was so much richer. What I finally had to pay in hard cash in order to have this realisation was worth every cent. Looking back, I would not change a thing. It was an invaluable lesson for me. Furthermore, I inwardly could say to all those involved in teaching me this life lesson, "I thank you. You did it well!"

I am aware that, for many a businessman out there this is part of daily professional life. For me it was new and it felt great. I took responsibility and played my card…and I played it well.

Never the less, I still had one test to go: there was one more arrangement with another couple from abroad that was already in full swing. With the clarity I now had, I knew that I would no longer compromise myself, I was going to take note of the still small voice inside warning me of previously ignored tell-tale signs - this time I would act decisively and sooner.

I had already gone to great lengths for this couple and I was excited and hopeful. I was also more conscious of what was needed for things to not only feel good, but to really be good. It did not take long for certain discrepancies and a couple of blatant lies to become clear. I became aware that their intentions were actually quite opposed to what we had agreed upon. This time I simply let go. I let go of the vision, I let go of my plans, I let go of the disappointment that my efforts had once again been misused. I let go of the hurt. I let go of my victim story. I let it all go....and I let them go! It felt good to be able to do this so easily and to simply move on.

Moving on has meant to me, to re-evaluate my intentions, to take a deeper look at the meaning of this apparent failure to find suitable people to join me in this work, and to take full responsibility for all that had happened. I was no longer the victim of other peoples' inadequacy to commit honestly. I was the "do-er", the creator of my own circumstances. After months of persevering hopelessly, I could see the answer so simply: actually, Existence was not going to fulfil my vision, and was obviously not wanting what I was wanting. Acting out of an emotional and practical neediness, it was my need for colleges and support that promoted the desire for others to join me in my work. I realise now that no matter how much demand there was, no matter how much I wanted to fulfil the needs of my students all over the country, no matter how much compassion I had for the sexual and intimacy related heart-break abounding in South Africa, …it simply had to be “Thy will not my will be done” in all that I envisaged and did. I have to step back and wait for things to happen in a way that was acceptable and flowing. And...I had to wait patiently.

I am now ready to move into 2009 with this clarity. I am on my own and it is okay to be alone in this. I know of the necessity for more good professional tantric work, I also know that this need will be fulfilled when it is ready to be fulfilled. Until then, I will continue passing on what I know to my students so that my gnosis can also become theirs. The rest is not up to me.

It has been a deeply meaningful past year.

I wish to thank you all from the depths of my heart for your trust, your support, your willingness, and your love. It is the personal journey of each and every one of you that constantly encourage me forwards. To those who have been listeners as well as advisors during this difficult time, I want you to know that I cherish you for being there when I needed you and for the insight into your thinking, your assessment and your understanding of the situation, that you so freely allowed me. I thank you!

As I send you all my love, I also take yours with me into 2009. May it be a wonderful, successful, and most fulfilling year for us all.

Namaste
Leandra