Old Year's Eve - looking back on 2008

"Change" - Mixed Media
Painting by Leandra

It is that time of the year again. The end of the year is a time of retrospect in one way or the other for most of us. Some of us do this consciously, taking account of what the year was like while floating ideas about how we’d like the incoming year to be, others do it subconsciously, becoming aware only of the one or other feeling or emotion, as one year closes and the other opens. Yet others, not wanting to look back at all let alone feel, revel in the festivities keeping themselves busier than ever before.

I cannot help but look back consciously. It happens almost automatically as thoughts and emotions arise, hallowing in a process that lasts for many weeks, only coming to the end with some kind of revelation, indicating that the process is complete. This year, it is evident to me, that it has been a tumultuous year - a time of great progress, but it’s also been something like a bumper-to-bumper, stop-and-go freeway! Some of you have shared parts of this with me, others will have noticed certain announcements on my website suddenly no longer there. All along I have wanted to share more with you all, my own confusion however, prevented me verbalizing anything of clarity about what was going on. Now finally, on the last day of the year, the revelation is there and I am ready to share.

My vision at the outset of the year was, that of men and women on a tantric path working with me, of Tantra Sacred Massage sessions being more continuously and readily available in the three centres I work in; a vision of my aloneness in the field comforted by associates and colleagues, a vision of sharing what I had gained with a group of emerging tantric professionals, joining hands in promoting Tantra in South Africa. It really was a very nice vision.

Throughout the year I had been putting in much time and effort to find men and particularly women and to join me, and all year all these efforts had evolved into major and minor disasters, leaving me feeling confused, sometimes frustrated, many times disappointed and a lot of the time exasperated. It also left me questioning why this was so. There seemed to be no difference between my recruiting potential trainees from South Africa or those from abroad - whatever I did, it did not want to work. I had numerous applications, many interviews, and even some training beginnings. In one case, the training went far enough for the trainee to facilitate a first massage session on her own. It was all so promising - had not each and every potential trainee, not committed for one reason or the other.

Some found more lucrative work, others were only superficially willing to immerse themselves in the training. Some were willing to do everything except lingam or yoni massages, others found the thought of working with other races appalling. Some even did not like the idea of being naked – which did not cease to surprise me as the nature of the massage was totally clear. I would say to these, “Okay, but with the amount of oil we use, you will actually ruin your clothes apart from it being very uncomfortable”! The reasons were endless. One foreign practitioner, with whom I had previously co-operated, contradicting the very essence of Tantra, wrote that it no longer “felt right” to be working with men, and that she was now doing “Goddess – work” only.

With others from abroad, hard reality was to be discovered in hidden agendas, contradicting the written and accepted training plan, and completely unrelated to what I was offering, to what was available or required for that matter. I found myself being discarded as soon as my worth in the materializing of their agendas had outlived itself.

The most baffling aspect to me, was the way in which this all happened: books I had lent were not returned, my phone calls not taken and emails left unanswered. All this left me feeling quite shaken at the amount of respectlessness thrown at me - and so I began to doubt what I was attempting to do. Not one of the potential trainees had funding to pay for the training, which resulted in me offering the training free of charge, with the exception of a small registration fee. This was a mistake, living in a society in which that which is financially free is not valued. With one exception, not even the registration fee was paid! The little free time I had, taken up with training, was left unrewarded.

Looking back over a year like this, I had to ask myself “What am I doing wrong?”, while also wondering if it had something to do with the nature of the work. When the results of so much time and effort show that amount of failure time and time again, it is, I suppose, quite natural to feel like a failure one’s self. And yes, it did feel like this many times. It took a while for me to realise that the surface respectlessness I had experienced was probably anger, and so coming out of the confusion of all this, I had two major questions: “What does the nature of the work have to do with this?” and “What am I doing wrong?”

In answer to the first question, I realised that the major factor leading to South Africans pulling out of the training was fear. The path of Tantra is still connected to many fears hear in South Africa. Sexuality is still such a taboo and sexuality that is entrenched with spirituality is, for many, unheard of, making it such a huge step, sometimes too big a step, for anyone to take to come into this work. Fear so often precedes anger and this was projected onto me - so I assumed.

The answer to the second question took me almost the full year. I finally realised my mistake and was able to take responsibility for the situation I found myself in. I had been trying far too hard to make my vision come true. It felt like a great vision and I assumed it was exactly what was needed for the on-going work. Tantra in South Africa needed more facilitators in order to continue growing and so I pursued this vision without looking left or right, not allowing any failure to pull me down. “So what if I was not being successful, the vision is good so just keep going, at some stage it must all materialise” – so I thought.

There are times when holding onto a vision is the best one can to do, believing in it and putting everything in place in order to make it true. There are other times however, when this is the most unproductive thing to do, and it is important let go. It took me most of the year to understand that I needed to let go.

Re-assessing my vision began around October this year. My plans to share a rented house in a lovely area of Cape Town with two students, a married couple who were returning from abroad, turned sour, resulting in financial loss and a legal battle that no one thought I could possibly win. It was then, that the thought occurred to me, “I must be doing something very wrong if Existence has to come onto me so heavily to make me take notice! What is it that I have not been seeing, not been wanting to see?”

It was finally during the legal battle that I had an explosion of clarity. I had signed a 3-year lease with a parent of one of the students while they were still abroad, and I was legally committed to this document. Without everyone involved agreeing, there was no way I could get out of this lease. However all the parties involved had no interest in letting me out of the lease, I had been good prey, having invested my time, energy and money finding the house and finalising the lease, and now I had to pay my share of the rent, whether I moved into the house or not. Not only that, they had, so it seemed, disappeared after moving in - the house was empty, even of furniture, and all communication channels broke down for weeks. The parent, my lease partner, also did not take my calls or answer my emails. With the next months total rent pending, I appeared to be in a hopeless position. The lawyer I sought out painted a bleak picture and did not do very much to try to achieve anything.

At my lowest point, when I felt really, really stupid for having gotten myself into this position, when I seemed to have no way out, when I felt my most helpless, used, misused, hurt, angry, exasperated and worried… it was then, when I felt completely powerless, in a quiet moment and very alone, that the answer came: “Thy will, not my will, be done” - these words arose from my deepest self and echoed throughout my whole being, like a village church bell, ringing and ringing. I had been following my will and had not asked what Existence wanted from me.

After that things moved swiftly. Quite suddenly, as if a glowing light had been turned on, I discovered my power, a power I had not felt before. Thy will, not my will be done - I was free! Yes free. Not only of the helplessness I had felt, but also of the self-doubt....and more importantly, free of the vision which I had been holding on to.

As I changed inwardly and emotionally, so the tables turned completely. It really was such a simple thing that tipped the scales. All I then had then to do was to stay in this clarity. As I did, the card in my hand that I could still play became clear, and while the risk was high and everyone advised against it, I knew that this was the only card I had, and that I had to play it well. It was exhilarating. All the frustration I had experienced now appeared to have been worthwhile, in order for me to have this revelation. I began to feel gratitude for the whole experience.

No longer distressed, no longer hurt or angry, no longer afraid, I could forgive everyone for what they had done and were doing. It was not their fault. It was horrible, it was unfair, it was deceiving - but that was actually not my business but their business! My business was only in taking responsibility for all my decisions that had gotten me into the mess in the first place. Recognising this, and the fact that I had been acting out of a personal neediness brought the necessary freedom. I needed company. I needed assistance. I needed to share. I needed people to join me in my work. It was my need motivating me into manoeuvring myself into this corner. Decisions based on neediness result in blind spots. I had not been aware of how compromising my values had resulted in the difficulties I now had.

No longer a victim, I was able to follow through with the one small thing on my side…and I did. I gave the other lease party back the onus of transferring the monthly rent and announced to everyone that I would no longer be paying my portion of the rent! So simple. It took everyone 5 days to take me seriously and then, amazingly, the communication channels were suddenly wonderfully open again. The agent said, “The owner will take you to court”. I said, “I don’t mind, he will have to take the other party to court as well”. She also said, "you will lose the house”, I said “I don't want the house!”. It was wonderful to feel this power. And I was able to get out of the lease to all the conditions I had previously unsuccessfully offered. I was no longer a victim. I never had been a victim. I was my own do-er and I could be my own do-er again and so I was!

It was over. I was so much richer. What I finally had to pay in hard cash in order to have this realisation was worth every cent. Looking back, I would not change a thing. It was an invaluable lesson for me. Furthermore, I inwardly could say to all those involved in teaching me this life lesson, "I thank you. You did it well!"

I am aware that, for many a businessman out there this is part of daily professional life. For me it was new and it felt great. I took responsibility and played my card…and I played it well.

Never the less, I still had one test to go: there was one more arrangement with another couple from abroad that was already in full swing. With the clarity I now had, I knew that I would no longer compromise myself, I was going to take note of the still small voice inside warning me of previously ignored tell-tale signs - this time I would act decisively and sooner.

I had already gone to great lengths for this couple and I was excited and hopeful. I was also more conscious of what was needed for things to not only feel good, but to really be good. It did not take long for certain discrepancies and a couple of blatant lies to become clear. I became aware that their intentions were actually quite opposed to what we had agreed upon. This time I simply let go. I let go of the vision, I let go of my plans, I let go of the disappointment that my efforts had once again been misused. I let go of the hurt. I let go of my victim story. I let it all go....and I let them go! It felt good to be able to do this so easily and to simply move on.

Moving on has meant to me, to re-evaluate my intentions, to take a deeper look at the meaning of this apparent failure to find suitable people to join me in this work, and to take full responsibility for all that had happened. I was no longer the victim of other peoples' inadequacy to commit honestly. I was the "do-er", the creator of my own circumstances. After months of persevering hopelessly, I could see the answer so simply: actually, Existence was not going to fulfil my vision, and was obviously not wanting what I was wanting. Acting out of an emotional and practical neediness, it was my need for colleges and support that promoted the desire for others to join me in my work. I realise now that no matter how much demand there was, no matter how much I wanted to fulfil the needs of my students all over the country, no matter how much compassion I had for the sexual and intimacy related heart-break abounding in South Africa, …it simply had to be “Thy will not my will be done” in all that I envisaged and did. I have to step back and wait for things to happen in a way that was acceptable and flowing. And...I had to wait patiently.

I am now ready to move into 2009 with this clarity. I am on my own and it is okay to be alone in this. I know of the necessity for more good professional tantric work, I also know that this need will be fulfilled when it is ready to be fulfilled. Until then, I will continue passing on what I know to my students so that my gnosis can also become theirs. The rest is not up to me.

It has been a deeply meaningful past year.

I wish to thank you all from the depths of my heart for your trust, your support, your willingness, and your love. It is the personal journey of each and every one of you that constantly encourage me forwards. To those who have been listeners as well as advisors during this difficult time, I want you to know that I cherish you for being there when I needed you and for the insight into your thinking, your assessment and your understanding of the situation, that you so freely allowed me. I thank you!

As I send you all my love, I also take yours with me into 2009. May it be a wonderful, successful, and most fulfilling year for us all.

Namaste
Leandra

Osho on love

I have spent much time lately thinking about the relevance of sex to meditation. It is what I teach but some students challenge me on this in one way or another. It makes me think. Am I doing the right thing? How can I assist students on attaining more meaning in their lives and seeing beyond little human pleasures? How do I teach someone who cannot seem to bring spirituality and sexuality together. I came across some words of OSHO that I want to share with you. The first is simply about the body - after all that is where sexuality takes place. Accepting the body as a part of the Divine is not an easy task for many of us. But OSHO states that it is through the body that we become closer to God.

"Only by loving your body will you become closer to God. The body knows how to dance, how to sing, how to pulsate with God. When the body starts to vibrate with the divine Suddenly you will see your soul is also vibrating. Your body and your soul are one."
Osho

And then there is the subject of Love. This too is such a central part of my teaching. To me God IS ultimate Love and in one form or another, love is so often spoken about in all religions and many teachings. But what is actually meant and how to love, that is the question. Osho gives some insight:

Love is the fragrance, the radiance of knowing oneself, of being oneself...
Love is overflowing joy.
Love is when you have seen who you are; and then there is nothing left except to share your being with others.
Love is when you have seen that you are not separate from existence.
Love is when you have felt an organic orgasmic unity with all that is.
Love is not a relationship.
Love is a state of being.
It has nothing to do with anybody else. One is not in love, one is love.
And of course when one is love, one is in love - but that is an outcome, a by-product, that is not the source. The source is that one is love....."
Osho: The Guest Chapter 6

So then how does this relate to Tantra and my particular teaching of Tantra? Once again I wish to answer with a quote from Osho:

"Tantra is a love effort towards existence. That is why so much of sex has been used by Tantra: because it is a love technique.It is not only love between man and woman; it is love between you and existence, and for the first time existence becomes meaningful to you through a woman. If you are a woman, then existence becomes for the first time meaningful to you through a man."
OSHO: The Book of Secrets Chapter 43

So for now, these words are here for you to ponder on. My Tantra massage teacher in Germany Klaus Smeds said: "Tantra is lived love" and that is certainly what I have experienced. My coming onto and into the path of Tantra has and is continually teaching me to live this love in a way I have never before appreciated, embracing every aspect of my being and all aspects of my human experience....and allowing me to simply be who I am.

I am so blessed. If I am able to pass this onto my students just a little bit, I have achieved something of relevance in my life.

Namaste
Leandra

Learning lessons

I read something this morning that I want to share with you all. It is a quote by OSHO and I read it on the OSHO International Newsletter (from the website www.osho.com) and I had to read it twice to actually grasp the meaning on a deep level. Here it is:

"When you are different the whole world is different. It is not a question of creating a different world, it is a question of creating a different you"

I was wondering about how that works and looking back over the last 6 weeks and the chaos I have been experiencing and had to ask myself: "What did I change that made the chaos start turning into beautiful order?" and "How am I different that my world has become different?"

All I did was try to take the lesson Existence had been teaching me these last weeks. It is very easy to blame others or the actual situation for the circumstances and a lot harder to ask one's self: "What did I do to create this experience?" It feels like having to take the blame for something you did not intend. It is however not a question of blame when you ask; "What did i do to create this?" It is far more a question of responsibility. Of taking responsibility for all your actions, even the ones done subconsciously, acting out of conditioned fear. The fear to be real is great for each and every one of us. It is a strong fear....what if I am really REAL, what if all the games come to a standstill and I am able to perceive my real Spirit self, what would happen...? Well I don't know what will happen but it is scary to most people to even think of this. We are so protected from this by the outer layers of a life lived. We all have stories to tell of how life played it's tricks on us and made things really difficult. And I am no exception.

This year has been a whirlwind of growth to the Tantra Sacred Massage practice. I had this vision of growing a small community of tantrikers here in SA and in order to do that and to cope with the huge demand for sessions, I decided to start a training program.

Namaste
Leandra

Stopping over

I’m on my way from Jo’burg to my home on the KZN south coast once again and made a stop-over at the top of the Drakensberg. Lovely place this – the Caterpillar and Catfish B & B and restaurant – a bit of a secret tucked away at the top of Olifiershoek Pass. I was so impressed with the meal I had here quite some time ago that I have been coming back again and again on my own and with guests from Germany including my daughter and her boyfriend they were here last. Situated right on the pass road just before you descend, they have a brilliant 5-star cook. Not once have I been disappointed.

Why am I writing this to you…?

Well, talking to a number of students this past week in JHB, I mentioned that I could actually teach most of what I teach with food instead of sexual energy! Tantra uses all the senses to bring you into the moment and away from the mind. I tell my students, next meal take your time and eat in silence, savouring every portion of food you place in your mouth. Don’t mix the different items on your plate, take them separately, and enjoy every moment of tasting each portion. What a difference that makes to your eating experience and what a difference to your level of satisfaction and contentment after such a meal. Of course we use our meals as communicative spaces in time, when families get together and we talk about our day. There is nothing against that. It is very important. But as an exercise try it and see what it does for you.

Of course a really wonderful, tasty meal helps too although the meekest piece of food will taste abundantly better is eaten in silence with closed eyes allowing it to melt on the tongue. So why am I telling you about my stop over? Well I don’t mind doing a bit of advertising for the Caterpillar & Catfish if it encourages you to take Olifiershoek Pass next time on your way to the coast from Gauteng. If you do, do stop here for lunch or an overnight stay in order to experience one of their outstanding meals. I savoured my trout and rice this evening after lazing in a huge bath feeling the sensation of hot water on my skin. Beforehand, I had stood outside in awe of the round full moon shining through rocking branches of the huge ancient trees on the crest of the Northern Berg. I felt the cool night breeze caressing my skin and as I did so, I sank into a moment of absolute bliss. It all tasted so wonderful! The more we use our senses to come into the depth of now, the closer we get to submerging into bliss.

If you feel uncomfortable doing this with your sexual sense, how about trying it with what you eat?

It did me good. I enjoyed connecting with who I really am through my sense of taste, smell, and sight. I smelt the freshness of the Drakensberg air as it brushed past my nostrils; I heard the leaves of those majestic trees rustling to the tender touch of wind, the odd cricket chirping and it felt as if I could hear the night itself. It was then that I had that moment of hearing me.

We need times like this. Time to stop, rest and simply be.
Namaste
Leandra

Catching up

I received an email from Australia this morning - it was my mentor Ron Solo saying " You must be busy as I noticed that you have not done a lot of work on your web site." and asking when I was going to post the second article he had written for my website....!

Well yes, I have been very, very busy - mainly with the work between my three bases, JHB, CT and my home on the KZN south coast - but then in between actually still settling into my new house. Although I moved in at the end of January, I am only there for 2 weeks at a time between my visits to JHB and CT. I unpacked the last boxes just a week ago, shortly before my present trip to CT. During the two weeks I was home I also started painting the interior of the house - a lovely deep almost olive green and a colour called Stone Wall and when I left everything was in turmoil. Ultimately the walls will be soothing, especially with the view onto lush subtropical vegetation with the Indian Ocean on the horizon. But for the time being it is just work with a fair amount of stress! I sincerely hope that my helpers will manage to sort it all out the chaos I left behind before I get back at the end of next week.

But there is something else too! I have spent the last 5 weeks or so, looking for new premises here in CT. Oh yes, I took a flat earlier this year from where I have been working, but at the time I already knew it was a temporary thing. Why? Because two wonderful students of mine are returning from Europe where they have been living the last 2 years and with their three children will be settling in CT.

As they are going to be going into the work, we decided to take a house together: a house where we could work from, that would be their home and a base for me when I am in CT. I have some wonderful trainees here in CT who have assisted this process by viewing the houses and giving me a feed back. When I arrived earlier this week, we had singled out two for me to look at and then the decision fell. We have found our house. Tantra Sacred Massage will have a base for the next 2 – 3 years at least. With that goes the fact that CT will have a permanent female as well as a male massage practitioner as of the end of August/early September. Finally! This is such good news to me. It is going to be so much easier for you to make bookings and keep individual processes more regular.

I’m not going to reveal to much about this new space now…but shortly there will be more news about this on the website.

In the mean time, I will have to write to Ron, "yes, I have been far too busy and have neglected to write in my journal and to post your article on the Tantric Lessons page…ultimately though I have been busy doing the work but in another corner of the room."

So to all of you – and I know there are more of you out there missing my regular journal entries – I have been busy with the same cause, promoting and furthering Tantra in South Africa….and not any kind of Tantra, but a good quality of Tantra. The development has been exciting and it will remain exciting in the months to come. I will however make a point of making time for putting Ron’s article on the website and for keeping you updated with what is going on here in my journal.

Warm greetings
Leandra

Life in Germany and spiritual lessons

I know...many of you are telling me...I've been so quiet here and that is very true. It is taking time for me to settle into a routine again. And really, there is no routine about my life at the moment! I am presently in Cape Town for 3 weeks - the first week is just coming to a close - and have moved into a rented centrally situated flat here from which I will be working for the next 6 months or so at least. It is "klein aber fein" as the Germans would say...meaning small but really nice and suits the purpose for the time being. Ultimately though, I would like to have a house with a garden as a venue and the prospect of that is not too far away.

Students of mine who have been living in Russia are returning to SA later this year and as soon as they have settled we intend to find a house that will be home to them as well as the Tantra Sacred Massage practice. Not only that. but Cape Town will be getting a lovely and genuine tantric massage practitioner more or less permanently. This is what I have been dreaming of - just had to wait till Existence put all into place. Since training with me, they have continued their tantric journey with European Tantra schools and will bring their experience back with them.

In addition to that, I have started training one female and one male in Tantra Sacred Massage. Both are lovely and worthy people to take up this work. I will keep you posted on their progress and when they are ready to work with clients. I had a couple of other women interested but all the others opted out shortly before training started and I am sure you understand why. There are so many stigmas attached to this work here in SA - well perhaps in other places too, but certainly here - and I assume they or their partners got nervous. That is fine though. It all has to be right for it to happen and Existence does not allow things to happen that should not - at least that is my experience. When we try to force things, they go wrong or become extremely difficult or strenuous and it is best to wait with our desires and dreams till they materialise. Just put the message out and do all in your power to make it real and then wait for the signs about whether it is going to happen or not. I have lived by this for many, many years and it does work!

Many years ago, in fact in the late eighties, both my husband and I had the pleasure and privilege of attending most of the seminars of Art Reade, an Apache/Mexican spiritual teacher and life coach who was, and is very popular in Germany. That was the first time I heard about what is today called “The Law of Attraction”. Those of you who have seen the movie or read the book “The Secret” will know what is meant. Art gave us exercises to do that taught this basic life truth and way back then I had my first experiences of how it functioned.

At the time, it was our deepest desire to buy a house. Our daughter was a toddler and I dearly wanted a garden for her to play in. I also wanted my life easier as we lived in a lovely old flat with huge rooms and high ceilings - one of the few beautiful old buildings left standing in Hamburg after the war - but the building had no lift!

I used a bicycle to get around – as most people do in Germany - and the bicycle had to be kept in the flat because of theft or parts being demolished or stolen and tires punctured if I locked my bike to the railings in the entrance hall - oh yes, some South Africans don’t want to believe it, but there was actually a lot of malicious petty crime in Germany then and now.

You try coping with a tired, hungry toddler dressed in all the winter garb – boots, jackets, caps, woollen scarves and a bike with a child’s seat connected to the handlebars up and down the staircase! Oh, not to mention the bags of groceries as well. I was constantly up and down. First my daughter, then the shopping, then the bike….and the ceilings being extremely high – almost like two floors…it was a lot of staircase to climb to get onto our landing! So I was really keen to have a house with a ground floor and a garden. With our budget and the price of houses in west of Hamburg (one of the more expensive cities in Germany and the west had some of the priciest suburbs), it was a pretty difficult thing to do.

Art gave us a visualisation one day – to visualise our future home and we had to draw a picture of what we saw. I drew this quaint house with a steep roof and underneath an attic. It had a small garden with a thigh-high picket type metal fence in front. I drew all the details and put ourselves in the garden – including a dog (something my husband never wanted but I did). We were to hang the picture up where we could see it each day. We were told to breath it, smell it, taste it, love it each day until it materialised.

I did this for a while until finally some friends who had two young children bought one of these lovely old flats with a garden in a quiet suburb in the west of Hamburg. There was a flat on the first floor, exactly above them that was also for sale – so we grabbed it. The idea of living above our friends - our children would play together and a whole lot of other positive aspects of living in the same building would come into play - was wonderful. So we bought it! Or so we thought. We had an appointment to sign the papers at the lawyer’s office and I was at home putting on my make up when the phone rang. It was the owner. He apologised but told me that the appointment was canceled as his sister had sold the flat behind his back and that the new owners had already just signed! My heart fell into my shoes, tears popped into my eyes - I could not believe it. I phoned my husband who told me he was on the verge of leaving work to drive to the lawyer…he was speechless. We were both devastated that evening. I phoned my mom in Durban and cried my woes and it was she who put things straight. She said simply: “I thought you wanted a house…?”

I was stunned – yes we did. We had wanted a house, our own house with our own garden and I had drawn a picture had I not? I searched for the drawing, pasted it onto the wall again, and started the procedure again. We had been side tracked by our friends taking the flat. We had not really believed that we would find a house in our price bracket. We were unbelievers….that was the problem. So this time, we firmly held onto our dream. We knew we would find something if it was meant to be and at the time was right. We believed. We sent the proper message out into Existence, the message of our little dream house.

I am sure you all know what the end of this story is going to be…? We found out house!

It was in west of Hamburg, a small double storied house with an attic and a cellar and a garden. It was within walking distance to both a lovely country primary school ( you could look out of the class room windows onto fields with cows and horses) and a high school, a couple of minutes to the city train station that would connect us with the whole of Hamburg…and what was more, there were two nature reserves “just around the corner’ …literally. The one became our daily "walking the dog" route (oh yes, we got a lovely German bread Rhodesian Ridgeback) that took us through a little wood where dogs could meet other dogs and socialise. The other nature reserve was a weekend cycling area, through farm land with huge and typical for northern Germany high thatched roofed farmhouses and a number of stables and a huge wooded area that went on for miles and miles. Our daughter, needless to say took to horse riding, so during her high school days, we had regular bicycle rides to the stable where she had her pony and then later her horse. I spent many a freezing winter sitting in the unheated indoor riding grounds watching her ride and fretting every time she fell off during jumping practice. This little house was just in our price bracket and it became our home. We renovated the cellar to include a laundry, an office, a store room and a guest bedroom and later we renovated the attic to become a lovely additional room for guests of which there were many once our daughter started having cousins and friends from Vienna, Austria come to visit. Many a weekend was spent with the attic room filled with mattresses and the young people gadding out enjoying Hamburg’s night life.

The story of how we got our house will never be forgotten. It was proof that we often mess up the actual plan Existence has in stall for us when our faith is not strong enough. It was also proof of what today is known as “The Law of Attraction”. We attract what we visualise. We attract what is in our thoughts, in our minds. We create our experience of the world.

Getting back to Cape Town…..so often I did not believe I would or could have my own space to work in and compromised on the vision I had with many excuses. I could not afford my own space. I could not divide myself between JHB and CT and my home and what is more, the longer it took to get applicants for the training the less I believed I would find anyone who would want to enter this field of work.

Why am I writing all this? I just want to share it with you. Sometimes students are quite intrigued about how I live. I live a very normal and busy life as most people do. My faith is tested many a time and I learn constantly as I hope you do too. I learn to trust Existence with my vision for Tantra here in South Africa. I do not do this work for a living. To me that is important. I don’t want to have to do this in order to keep my roof over my head or have food on the table. I want to do it out of a passion for this path and the fact that the Divine is touching many people through my work. Tantra changed my life so positively and I am happy to be able to offer what I know and what I have experienced myself, what my teachers have taught me over the years…to pass this onto to others here in the country of my birth and the place that I call home. I feel extremely blessed that I am able to do so and that Existence has deemed me worthy to do what I do.

My love to you all
Namastè
Leandra

Turning people away

I cannot tell you how much I have wanted to write here in my journal again. There have been so many ideas and even a couple of documents which I started but did not get completed. I did not expect my moving house to have bound my energy so much that my writing would come to a total stand still. I enjoy writing here and sharing with all of you who read my journal. There is a lot to catch up on but let me start with the last and then I will try to find the time to go back to the beginning and if what I was writing is still relevant, I will finish it and post it here later.

The latest news it that it finally happened! .......I had to turn someone away.

I had a couple for a 4 hour couple's booking and from the moment they arrived something was amiss. I could not pin point it at the time but afterwards it became very clear - the attitude of the male member of the couple was simply not right. I say this without judgment for he has his reasons for being the way he is. But what became very clear to me is that I do indeed have a choice of who I work with. I have always know this, but never had to put it into practice. What was wrong you may be asking?

Well to start with he took over the conversation and did not allow his female partner to speak. He tried to involve me in an intellectual discussion about the meaning of the word Tantra - of course always showing that he knew better. She during all this giggled and if I asked her something directly, she gave un-informative answers almost in a shy way looking to him for approval or recognition. My initial conversation is always about finding out something about the person or the couple in front of me and also giving them the opportunity to ask me questions. So initially I wanted to know something about their relationship and what brought them to Tantra. I also asked what they were wanting to achieve with the workshop or if there was something they wanted to work on. Granted, these are pretty standard questions but they do usually open up the conversation and I always get answers that lead into a more personal discussion. It gives me an idea of where the person or couple is coming from, and it gives us time to get to know each other a bit before starting the practical work.

But with this couple I could not get answers. They…or rather he was evasive and instead of answering asked me what the word Tantra meant. This surprised me – I don’t think anyone has asked me this before. Usually the questions are related to the practice of Tantra or how I came to Tantra or Tantra in South Africa. When I asked him what he already knew about Tantra, he answered that he was here to hear what I knew and what I had to show. I however did not feel inclined to show anything. It was confusing and what I did understand was the growing atmosphere of antagonism.

When I asked about their sex life, he said something about it being "a good f*** with her" while she grinned from ear to ear. I said something to the effect that I then hoped to show them how to "stop f***ing and start loving" and she reassured me that there was lots of that. I however felt nothing of this love between them or in the situation with me. It was then that I realized I would not be able to work with them unless they opened up a bit more and we were able to get some kind of conversation going. If we could not do that, how would we be able to work together warmly, trustingly and intimately...? I did not know how this was to work. Finally I said I would rather give them back their money than work under these circumstances. Then he really went to town saying I was a phony and knew nothing about Tantra and a whole lot of things more while I was taking down her banking details for the refund.
It was only after they left that it dawned on me that she had made the booking, she had made the payment, I had her phone number, her email address, she had not given me his name in the our correspondence referring to him simply as my partner, they had come in two cars, she had told me that she is divorced but he had told me nothing about himself and they had both been evasive about their relationship. When I put this together, I realised it very probably meant that they were having an affair. I was stunned that it had not dawned on me earlier and a number of aspects of the introductory talk became clear.

Tantra is totally honest. There is no reason to lie about anything and no reason to hurt an unknowing partner. There is every reason to be honest. It is all about what kind of energy you want to put out in the world. If you put out lies and dishonesty you will attract this back or something equivalent. This is not necessarily a moral standpoint, it is one of self-care and self-loving. Put into life what you would like back. Take care of yourself by giving what you yourself would wish to receive.

Of course the session could not work. This was what I had felt at the outset of our meeting when I felt that something was amiss.

How did I feel after they had left? It felt good not to have made a bad compromise. It felt good to have listened to my inner voice, but I felt a deep sadness about not being able to reach them. I felt sorrow for the woman who allowed this kind of “relating” to be a part of her life. He was so respectless towards her and she appeared to be so unaware of it. That hurt. My soul quietly reached out to her with the love that she should be getting and giving herself. As for him, I felt the pain of the helplessness behind the surface of arrogance he projected. He didn’t know better and he did not feel good inside. I did tell him as they were going that he was not ready for Tantra and that is true. It takes a readiness and usually the people coming to see me have this.

What is this readiness? It is a willingness and an openness to experience oneself in a new and very special way and in so doing, to want to begin to perceive life without the coloured lens we usually wear in our lives.

All it takes is this willingness, and when we are able to take away the lens a whole knew wondrous world opens up to us…..
….we see the clear sky on a cloudy day
….we hear the rain drops touching the leaves
….we feel the wind caressing our skin
….we taste the beauty of life itself in one moment,
in every small moment making each one feel like a lifetime of intensity and joy!

Namaste
Leandra

Thoughts on South Africa

On my last trip back from JHB to the KZN south coast I remembered something my friend Wolf had said on his very first trip through our South African country side after arriving at JHB airport. Perhaps you recall, I mentioned Wolf in my journal and said we would be hearing more from him…? Well what he said was: “The cows are so small here….” I asked what he meant and after thinking for a while, he said…” oh no, it’s the landscape that is so vast!” I had done this trip so many times and not noticed that. Remembering the fields in between the many villages along any German country road, I could recall how much larger the cows seemed to be. Looking at our huge open space – especially as one drives through the Free State – the cows seemed minute. There is this vast openness with seemingly nothing in it except space, much space and here and there some cows or an equally small tree and then later the strange looking table-top-mountains – beautiful space.

What does this tell us? Well that how something appears to one is all about perspective. I used to use the concept of perspective as a therapeutic tool in my art therapy work. Sometimes a client would have painted something and not been able to relate to it. I would then say something like this: “…what if you were to close in on your image…move closer to what you have painted, would you see more details…?” And then I would encourage the client to paint from a closer perspective. Invariably the details would appear. This could be done with any part of the painting, sometimes creating a number of details which and we could proceed by puzzling the pieces of information together.

There is of course the other way around too. Sometimes the client was too close to something and it created apprehension or fear. Or it was equally unclear exactly what it meant. I would then say: “…move further away, see what is below, above and to the left and right of what you have painted….what do you see then?” And I would encourage them to paint the bigger picture, the bigger perspective.

This simple method of questioning would literally put things into perspective. Too close and too far away can be confusing and finding the “right” perspective to understand things is so important. It is the same story with the glass half filled with water – it can be either half full or half empty, depending on how you perceive it. So the minute cows in the vast landscape are not really smaller than the cows of Germany, they only appear so in this specific landscape.

This brings to mind how South Africans talk about their country. So many of us tend to focus on what is not right, not working, the problems, the terrible stories they have to tell. And yet, there is another side – the side of all the wonderful positive things we have to be grateful for. This applies to our personal lives in the very same way. Try it! Think about all that you have instead of what you don’t have and focus on that. In Germany (as in any other countries) there are many, many things that are bad, things that people do not like and this includes terrible crimes as well as things that the German government is not getting right. But one difference I notice is that they, as a people, do not focus so much on the negative aspects of their country. It does actually make a difference to the general atmosphere as well as to personal experience.

I want to tell you about an experience I had during my trip to JHB at the end of my daughter’s 2 week holiday in South Africa. I met a lovely young fellow in the Drakensberg where I stayed over with my daughter and her boyfriend. Matthias Lause, a blond 26 year old German was on the last leg of his 9 month journey of his Tractor-World-Tour for CLASS CAREs, a welfare organisation collecting funds for children in Lesotho. He had spent a few days in Durban waiting for his tractor to arrive by boat and did a scuba diving course. On the course he met 3 guys from JHB who each told him horrific stories of murders and hijackings that they had heard about or personally experienced. They painted a very bleak picture of the big city.

I had gone to bed leaving my daughter and her boyfriend chatting with Matthias in the hotel bar and the next morning I found a very changed boyfriend. He was nervous. We were on our way to JHB where we wanted to spend a couple of days before their flight back to Germany. We intended on going to the theatre as well as visiting some other interesting places in JHB. He was remarking on how terrible JHB is and was actually quite anxious. My daughter, thank goodness, was more relaxed as they both told me what Matthias had related to them about the storied he had heard. The barman at the hotel also had his share to fill in on the picture and all of a sudden there was this fear in the air about JHB. It took me quite a while to put things into the picture again – into perspective in order for them to relax about the days we would spend in the city.

Yes, there is a lot to be afraid of as bad things are happening on a large scale. But there is also a lot to love about JHB. I love JHB for many reasons. To me, it is the city of the most integration, it holds the wealth of our country, the warm-heartedness, the multi-culture not only of black and white but also of English and Afrikaans and other cultures – very similar to the large cities like Berlin, Hamburg and Cologne in Germany. It is the city with the most culture ….and much, much more.

We need to think about what kind of energy we are putting out there when we focus on bad stuff. I am not saying that it should not be mentioned and certainly not suggesting sweeping these things under the carpet. On the contrary. It needs our attention and it is the quality of energy we give to this attention that I want to address. What I am suggesting is that it is equally important to focus on the positive things to tell about our lives - and our country. We need to learn that. Why? Well not simply to paint a good picture of the place we live and earn our livings in, but for ourselves, for our personal well being, for what we expect in life, for what we expect for our country.

It is all about energy….the energy we present, the energy we expose others to, the energy we hold within our hearts.

Many of you will have seen the movie “The Secret” and heard about the universal Law of Attraction. If you are able to understand that we all boil down to energy vibrating or resonating at frequencies we ourselves create (don’t believe me, look into Quantum Physics to learn more about this) you will understand that we create what we hold within ourselves, what we are giving out. Our output becomes our input. So this is actually a really important thing – to put out more of what we want to actually experience. As I said earlier, it is all a matter of perspective. No need to pretend the badness is not there…it is much more a matter of taking into account and focusing on the goodness that is in our lives. It is about expecting the best while giving our best, knowing that we create our experience of things to come.

On this note, I would like to mention something really wonderful I discovered in JHB. It is something everyone I know in JHB complains about – the traffic and the electrical failures! The occasion was a peak hour trip to the shopping mal in the rain and the traffic lights were not working. It was total madness….BUT, it worked like a dream - no traffic flow would have functioned in any of the big cities I visited in Germany in this manner. The drivers all put into place the rule for 4-way stop streets: first come, first to leave. Yes, it was slow but ALL the traffic lights I drove through functioned in this way. Traffic was slow moving, but it moved – quite unlike the jams I had encountered in a similar situation in Hamburg, Germany. Everyone drove into the middle of the cross road until no one could move at all until the traffic police arrived - and then it took a long time to get it all sorted out. Germany does not have the 4-way stop street thing. They did not know how to deal with the situation. The drivers were equally mad, equally in a rush, and equally aggressive and it showed.

In the situation I was in, I am sure that the drivers were swearing about both the traffic and the electrical problems of the city, but the traffic still flowed. I sat in my car in wondrous appreciation of our 4-way stop street training and how our drivers were able to cope.

Why am I writing all this? It touched me deeply to see the result of the horrific stories in my daughter's boyfriend. He felt uncomfortable, I felt uncomfortable, and so did my daughter. All we wanted was to have a good time in JHB and that seemed in jeopardy. I feel strongly about the country of my birth - and I do this having lived away for so long. I remember the deep longing to be home. And I am very aware of the fact that the grass is by no means greener on the other side. As a student I had fought for the change in South Africa and as an adult well on in my life, I feel a great sadness about the unending problems we are encountering presently. I am however deeply happy to be here. I find something here that helps me feel whole - be it the sunshine, the fact that when it rains it really does rain, the vast landscapes, the huge waves of the Indian Ocean or the wonderful warm, friendly, and happy people here. There is a happiness here that I only could perceive after living overseas for so long. I did not find this there, ever - and that is an honest statement.

To all of you out there, take some time to think about perspective. Go a little closer if you need more detail and a little further away if you want the bigger picture. And remember too that you attract into your life what you think, feel, and do. If you want more of something else, then you do really need to give and at the same time expect more of that in your life. And remember to send out the message of what you want to receive. You are like a magnet attracting to your life what you hold within yourself. I have known about this phenomenon for such a long time now - not just since The Secret movie. I've lived by this for many, many years and I know that it is true, that it works.

On a personal level, I am taking some time out to catch up planning and also on writing after so many very busy months of Tantra Sacred Massage work – although, I must say, students at the coast are keeping me busy too! I am using this month of October to plan the workshops that the School of Durga Tantra will be offering next year as well as some organisational work for the National Institute of Tantra South Africa. There are new and interesting developments which you will be hearing about soon.

Until then, I wish all of you a wonderful spring season, much joy and love...and connectedness to the Greater One I love to call Existence.

Namaste
Leandra

PS if you would like to visit the website of the Tractor-World-Tour go to http://www.tractor-world-tour.com/

Training has started

Just a quite note to say how thrilled I am that a number of students have taken on the Tantra Sacred Massage training process. This is joyous indeed and the work is progressing wonderfully. Up till now it is a number of men who have asked for training and for some of them it will be for their private use in their relationships. However some are interested in this healing work and some time in the future I will be able to announce on my website that certified Tantra Sacred Massage masseurs will be starting their work. So to all the women out there: in future you will also be able to work with a male coach. This is great as at some time along the path of the women coming to me for sessions it is necessary for the work to continue with the male energy present. The training for this work professionally is individual and the personal journey that the trainees are on will determine when they are ready.

There are a number of women interested in the training, however their journey to this work is slower. They are still busy considering, thinking about it and need this time to become clear. There seems to be more conditioning to overcome particularly here in South Africa. The stigma of being a "bad woman" is much stronger than in the case of males coming to this work - although they also have something similar to overcome, namely "what does this mean for my personal relationships, for my marriage?". I understand this fully. It is quite a step to take and requires a journey on the part of any partner too. Overcoming jealousy perhaps, or concern, or simply "what will our friends think?” In this way both partners will benefit by "riding the tantric tiger", by taking a journey into the unknown, by embracing changes and a deeper level of trust in their partners and what they share in life.

I am willing and interested in meeting the partners of trainees. I think this is important that they know who I am, hear something about the work and particularly the high ethics involved. I am happy to involve them to some degree in the training process and I hope some will make use of this.

So really, all I wanted to do is share my joy with you all about this development. And also my deep gratitude to Klaus Smeds, my trainer and director of the school in Germany where I trained, for opening up the possibility for those who undergo the training to receive an international certification.

I miss Klaus and his wife Barbara. I had intended doing the Lomi Lomi Neu training with Barbara this year some time during our winter. Changes in my life are preventing me from going to Germany this year. However, time is relative really, and when the time is right I will be able to go. In the mean time, there is so much to do here, so many seeking people coming to my work, to Tantra, to the massages and to Tantra coaching.

For this I am here. I feel this was always my destiny - if one can say that at all, as Existence leads us and I do not know where I will be led next. What I do know is that I grow with each person I see. I grow into the work, I grow personally, I grow in Spirit, and I grow in Love. There actually is no word for this feeling of gratitude and joy inside of me - it is simply there.

Namaste
Leandra

On reacting, responding and witnessing…

Sometimes I am asked how I deal with everyday things - you know, the kind of mishaps, hurts, frustrations etc. that occur regularly in anyone’s life? What friends want to know is how does my dealing with these matters differ from my pre-Tantra lifestyle. They notice that I have become somewhat different, I am the same, yet different. When I ask them what is different, they say you glow more, you seem so happy, contented, you don’t frown anymore …! They notice that I’ m not fazed by things that go wrong or people that do me wrong. So what is it, what has made this noticeable change? How do I deal with things that can so easily make a whole day go sour?

It is so simple – like everything about Truth once you have opened your perception to it. It is about responding instead of re-acting and it is about becoming a witness to the situation.

No one can explain it better than Osho:
“Have you seen a bullock-cart moving? The wheel moves goes on moving, but at the centre of the wheel something remains permanent. On that permanent hub the wheel moves. On that unmoving hub the wheel's movement exists. Exactly like that, you have a hub -- that hub is unmoving; and you have a wheel-like personality that goes on moving. You have travelled far, thousands of miles and thousands of lives, and the wheel knows many roads and many paths, but the hub has remained where it is. Now you can look at reality in two ways: either from the wheel -- then everything is changing every moment; or from the hub -- then nothing is changing….


How to find this hub of life? -- By becoming a witness, one finds it. Somebody insults you, anger arises; you remain a witness. The insult comes from outside, the anger arises on the periphery, and you remain at the centre, watching. Yes, somebody has done something, provoked your periphery, and there is anger on the periphery, and the anger is surrounding you like a smoke cloud, but you are at the hub, watching. You are not identified with the periphery. Then the insult is outside, and the anger is also outside of you. Both are separate and far away. Both are different from you....

When this awareness grows, dreaming stops, by and by. When this awareness grows, the wheel moves slower and slower. One day it happens: the wheel is as silent, as unmoving as the hub. That is the point when enlightenment happens.”

This is exactly what Tantra brought out in me more intensely than anything else I had tried in my life including lots of psychotherapy along my journey to becoming a therapist myself. It is to BE in the moment during my day. Not that I am claiming to be doing this 24/7, but I am in the moment as a witness as often as I can – the exact opposite to doing one thing and thinking of something else or to be mentally in the past or in the future, missing out the moment of time that has just passed.
Brenda Lee, the “little miss dynamite” singer of the 60's and 70's says it in a song quite nicely:

Coming on strong...coming on strong…
I can see the heartache coming on strong,
I can feel the tear drops, pain and sorrow
Ever since you’ve been gone
They’ve been coming on strong....

She is of course singing about a man who has gone out of her life and the feelings this gives her. If we translate the absence of the man to be the absence of knowledge of the Oneness of all Existence – then yes, we do feel the heartache, the tear drops, the pain and the sorrow and if we are a witness to this, we feel it coming on strong. We watch the automatically rising reaction and in doing so are able to transform them into a chosen response.

Now this in itself does not make those difficult everyday frustrations and hurts go away. And they do most certainly not feel any different! What it does is that it allows me to feel the moment more intensely. But, the friends argue, “...that only makes things worse!”

No it actually does not. More intensely means with more awareness. Being aware of the moment, any moment in time, makes each moment you are aware of more intense than the moments you are not aware of. On the one side experiencing the emotion of the moment deeply and clearly and on the other being a witness to my reactions.

When I look at the mighty Indian Ocean from my garden with awareness, I see the colour, I smell the scent, I hear the sound, I breath the salty air and one moment becomes a lifetime of pure bliss taking all this in.

Well, so also with the everyday frustrations. I breathe the moment, I smell it, hear it, perceive it with awareness and become a witness to a stage on which I am a puppet of my own conditioning. Once I have the “witness-perspective” on any aspect of my REACTING to things, it is as if I see beyond the puppet re-actions, beyond to the real heart- felt RESPONSE. These are two totally different things. Instead of simply re-acting an old emotion I become able to respond to the moment.

Even if I feel hurt, the response can be compassion for the person on the other side of the hurt. In my pre-Tantra days, I would have perceived the situation or the person involved in my moment to be the cause of my hurt. Tantra taught me to understand my reactions to be mine. I own them - they come from within, from somewhere deep inside me. Actually they have very little to do with the situation or the other person. The person or situation is simply a catalyser for the emotions I am feeling. I can actually be grateful for this catalysation as it gives me the opportunity to look, once again, at my reaction and see if this is really necessary. It is usually not necessary at all and so I can turn this into a response to the situation.

Just think of this: we grow up accumulating all sorts of experiences and together with the emotional result of these experiences in our individual selves, they are held somewhere in our mind and body memories. We consciously - and more often sub-consciously - call on these memories up when similar events occur and experience what we understand as our personal reactions to things. But is this really us? I say, “no it is not”! It is the result of a conditioned reaction to certain triggers. So understanding this as a mechanism of our human experience, it becomes possible to say, I own my reaction, it is the result of my experiences, my upbringing, my education, my culture – but this is not the real me. This creates a distance to the experienced emotion itself, and from this distance I am able to become a witness to the events and emotions that are taking place within.

So when we do this, we are able to watch the emotion rising and are more in a position to change that emotion and instead of re-acting in the usual way. We become able to respond (as opposed to react). Responding is a matter of choice and we always have a choice.

The “old” way of my anger or soreness projected onto the other becomes in this “new” way my own anger or soreness. There can be no judgment or blame on the other for causing this as it rises only from within myself. Recognizing this adds to the distancing, to the witnessing. I become able to watch as a feeling of rejection or hurt arises. When I watch this a number of things can happen. One of them is that more often or not I am able to laugh at myself. There that old hurt goes again, oh yes I know you, I feel you but I will not project you onto the other. Setting my projections free allows compassion for myself, and more particularly for the other to come through.

Personally I might be part of the situation while mentally I am witnessing it. I see not only the cause of my frustration, I see myself as intensely as all else. I see each second of my reaction, I see my perspective, where it comes from and if necessary, I am able to go right into the uncomfortable feeling in a very deep way. If this is what is in me at this present moment, I want to experience it. I want the fullness of this moment. Only if I can take the fullness of such difficult moments can I experience the fullness of the blissful moments in my life. It is the polarities once again, the one-ness perceived as a two-ness.

So if I make the appearance to my friends that I am happier, more joyful than I used to be – this is what it is. My experience of everything in my life is more intense. I do not push away the hurtful moments. I embrace them as mine and mine only – not caused by some one or some situation. It is always my choice as to how I respond instead of to automatically re-act to something.

Does this make life easier? Yes it does!
Does this make me happier? Yes it does!
Is this part of the Truth we are somehow all seeking? Yes it is!

To get back to the Brenda Lee song - we can "translate" the man that has gone from our lives to our experience of Oneness with all life, with all Existence, that has gone. In this we perceive you and me separate from each other. Only the Oneness has not left us stranded with hurt, we have left our natural perception of the eternal Oneness and have polarized into you and me, into opposites. In returning to the experience of Oneness, all these daily situations are simply showing us where we left the path, paving the way to return at the very same spot. And then the experience of Oneness, and non-separate-ness allows a response which includes compassion, understanding and even love Is this not wonderful? I say, indeed it is.

“The past is yours, the future is yours, and the present is God's. We divide time into three tenses -- past, present, future -- but that division is not right. Time can be divided between the past and the future but the present is not part of time, it is part of eternity.”
I want to share this response from one of my students to this journal entry with you!

The writer is the husband of a young couple with 4 young children that spent an intensive weekend of Tantra work here with my at the KZN south coast last year. It gives you an idea of what Tantra Sacred Massage can do and just how spiritual tantric healing massage / body-work is. Their names have been changed.

" I really enjoyed your latest message on your website and reading about all the latest developments. Its great to see that you are so active and productive!
About the 'turning wheel': In my childhood I was familiar with my 'witness'. I used to think up meditations that I would do at sunset every day and through them I became familiar with 'stilling my mind' and looking inside until I found the 'spark' with which I came into the world. At one point I had a particular name for this 'essence'; a colour, a sound, but now I've forgotten. I do remember the emotion that was there and it was one of completeness, harmony and love. I came into the world wishing it well.
At about the time just before I met Rosanna I completely lost this sense of me. I felt a huge loss, but I didn't even know why (I just thought it was the absence of the sea and not being able to surf for eight hours a day). Luckily I pushed through and now it is slowly all coming back.
It's true isn't it, that most people are simply actors in their own and others' melodramas. We are all victims of our own conditioning. Both society and we ourselves constrained our minds incredibly and the end result is that we become like ships lost in the turbulent seas of our emotions.
What I didn't realise before was exactly how insidious and how pervasive our thought-patterns are. Yoga shows you that action originates in thought, and strikingly Jesus had a similar view, saying that we should go beyond action and strive to cut out the roots of our evil thoughts. With a bit of effort we can cleanse our minds of negative energy and so we gain control of our development and start a positive process of spiritual growth, with increasing love and kindness for the world and ourselves . I think that all faiths contain this inherent possibility, that they can help us merge with 'God' within us, and then we will see that 'God' is also in the world and that both are one. Indeed all dualisms and the agony of separation is then overcome.

But it is so hard helping others to find their 'witness' isn't it? Especially if they are not seeking it. I suppose that it is a journey that each must undertake at their own pace (why the ancient Indians didn't have any 'missionary zeal'!) Luckily for me, Rosanna is also striving to hold on to her witness and to help her 'witness' grow. It takes a huge strain off our relationship, but at the same time I see the value of the period of my life when I had to confront my own emotions, and then just let them go and look inwards once more.

And in a big way the process for Rosanna, and the remembering for me, started that weekend with you.
Hope you continue to do such great work for a long time to come!"
Salvador

Namaste
Leandra

On working in Johannesburg and women

My spell in Johannesburg was, once again, lovely. More and more spiritually seeking guys are coming to the massages I offer. And slowly but surly more women are becoming interested in Tantra, which is wonderful. What I am noticing is the difficulties in the sensual and sexual that an Afrikaans upbringing brings with it. Many married couples are struggling with their sexuality. This is not only amongst the Afrikaans society, those brought up within the English speaking society are affected also – it is simply that amongst my Afrikaans students, the predominance of these difficulties is making itself very apparent.

Mostly it is the result of the women “going off” sex and the men battling with this. The sexual is not something talked about, women do not state their desires, men do not know how to touch women resulting in the sexual becoming mundane, quick and anything other than passionate and loving. Couples then start drifting apart and if an affair on the part of one of the partners does not put an end to this – and the marriage – the partners appear to become more and more shy about talking intimately with one another. Of course, the rat race out there, the necessity to make a living and bringing up children add to the lack of time, the tiredness, the “couldn’t be bothered” and sex becoming something that has to be done (the men wanting some form of release, the women taking the idea of the wife being obliged to have sex seriously) and so it becomes more and more unfulfilling and certainly not something that creates and holds the intimacy, the love and the passion between the couple sacred.

So a lot of my work is about showing men how to touch their wives and allow the intimacy to grow again. There is so much that Tantra offers couples (and those wanting to be a couple) in the way of ideas and methods for a loving, sensual and tantric building up and maintaining of sexual relations, and it is such a pleasure to be able to pass on what I know and what changed my life completely along the road of my tantric walk.

The women who are coming to me are mostly concerned about their sexuality, many feel inhibited, say they do not enjoy sex that they cannot not relax and feel that it is simply something they have to do – so they do it and hope it will be over quickly! Well, part of this is due to the conservative upbringing, the dogmatic religions indoctrinating their believers into understanding that the sexual is evil etc. and the general concept of what a woman has to be in our South African culture. The other part is due to the fact that men simply do not know much about the needs of women and how to go about making sexual experiences a true uniting of the feminine and masculine. Mostly, it is simply pretty masculine! Sorry guys, but this is so and if you are one of the guys with little passionate sex in your life, it is time you take the lesson and begin to change things – and this can be done!

For the women, it is time to realize the importance of sexual energy in their lives, take the plunge to go the route of discovering their sensuality apart from their men and become passionate about this so special kind of intimacy between a man and a woman. You are hot baby and you need to teach your man how to touch you, how to take the time you need and also how to be sensual without it necessarily becoming the usual orgasm chase that we call sex!

Tantra teaches all this. It is not done in one session or one short workshop – both men and women need time to grow into this. It is a beautiful journey for married couples as well as for singles. Our human experience of life is limited by the finality of our bodies fading and finally dying, so it is time to use our lives finding physical, emotional and spiritual intimacy in the sexual.

Tantra is a path to the transcendence of the sexual – this transcendence is however not the same as the frustration so many are experiencing. Transcendence of the sexual can only take place if the sexual is recognized as a source of tremendous loving and passion. Living this intimate passion changes everything in your life positively. As long as we are battling with sexual matters, we are unable to transcend it.

I have often been asked about this and I also read a lot on the internet in various blogs about how living a spiritual life is physically a celibate life. At the very depth of Tantra, celibacy is a real step on the path to Enlightenment – but it has to come from the fulfilment of the sexual and not from the frustration of it. There are celibate tantric groups writing about how wrong the focus on the sexual in Tantra is, that it is not part of the original ancient practice and that the modern western global society is making out of Tantra what it should not be. Well, I do not agree with this. The sexual was always part of the path and it always will be. After all, we are born sexual beings, with a strong sexual drive from adolescence onwards. Why on earth should we have this if we have to negate it as bad?

I see the few tantric practitioners here in South Africa emphasizing working with spiritually seeking people only. They too are negating the importance of this life force in our beings. One of the difficulties I had with my first Tantra teacher here in South Africa was exactly this. I got the feeling of doing the “lower less spiritual” work whereas the others from the school were practicing the “higher more spiritual” work. I had numerous discussions about this and it was one of the reasons I finally left the school. “Nonsense” is all I can say to this outlook of what Tantra is about! All this is, is once again, diving into the polarities of good and bad, higher and lower, sexual and non-sexual – the polarities making themselves known again. I heard students of this school saying: “ I am not interested in helping a guy to a better sexuality” and “ I want to only work with spiritual seekers” etc. Are we not all spiritual seekers? We are! And we are simply on different paths of the journey. We all want to find spiritual fulfillment in some way whether we are believers or not. The polarities are simply the two opposite aspects of the Oneness of our existence. Tantra works with these polarities and brings them together. Tantric bliss is about experiencing the Oneness of all Existence – oh yes, how wonderful this is. I feel closest to the Divine in a tantric experience of orgasm. For me it is total surrendering to the joy of life itself, surrendering to the deepest place of my being, surrendering to my spiritual nature. Hard to comprehend? Maybe, if you have not yet experienced this yet. Once a glimpse of the experience is made, you begin to understand and yearn for more. This yearning is far fetched from what usual sex is about, even what usual “making love” is about. It is a yearning for the Love, the Soul, the Spirit, the Omnipresence, the Life that IS the Divine.

I am so grateful to be able to put this message out there here in South Africa. I know that I am contributing to the healing necessary throughout our culture. Once we see the Diving in all life, that it is not separate from who we are, from who the other is, we begin to integrate the physical and the spiritual and slowly loose the experience of its separateness. We begin to wonder at the greatness of Existence and more importantly, we begin to realize that we are actually not humans seeking a spiritual experience, but spiritual beings in a human experience. The more we realize and live this, the closer we become to the Divine, God and we become humble and grateful for all we experience.

For those who want to go this path, I say GO FOR IT! It will take time and sometimes patience, but once you are on this road, you will not want to take any detours any longer. Please remember, it is not done in one Tantra massage session. The massage shows you the direction. If you come for regular teachings and treatments, you will experience something different each time, you will grow with each experience and you will finally, firstly transcend your mind-set, your body memory, your conditioning and begin to experience yourself anew. Tantra was always and is traditionally a one-on-one teaching. The “secrets” are passed on from teacher to student, from master to trainee and it is within the experience of this trusting and deep relationship that you will – on every level – begin to understand the principles of Tantra physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

I work just as eagerly with those who are earnestly on this path as well as those at the very outset of their tantric journey and are busy getting their desire for a fulfilling sexuality sorted out! To me, there is no difference between the two. It is the same journey, the same path – simply different places on the road!

Namaste
Leandra

Loving Johannesburg, learning experiences

Another eventful yet wonderful trip to Johannesburg! I returned home last Sunday after being away for three weeks this time. Two weeks was jam packed with work – many students for individual sessions and two workshops.

The first week was the eventful one for me....

Having arrived in Johannesburg to move from my flat to friends, I found nothing to be as I had expected it to be. The renovations had not even begun, let alone could I think of actually moving into my room. I felt frustrated and this grew as the days went on with still no progress. It takes time to understand the circumstances we find ourselves in. It took me a number of days of waiting and persevering, sleeping in the meditation room and being a pain to my friends (I was pushing for things to be done), until I finally understood that this was not supposed to be. So a quick move back into my flat, secured my lease with the landlord once again, got over the disappointment and everything was back to normal – well almost!

There were questions that needed answers. I believe everything happens for a reason - so what was the reason for this upheaval in my life? Why did a friendship almost come to fall over a move that could not take place as planned? Why did I behave this way and my friends that way? I was looking for the bigger purpose of it all. It could not have happened simply to feel disappointed and also to disappoint friends….so why was this part of my path?

I’ll come back to that in a moment, first let me tell you how my stay continued….

It was simply glorious! I met new students, (I no longer call massage guests "clients" – they are students of Tantra), and among them a number of really earnest ones which I find particularly exciting. Some students from overseas on business trips to SA, a number of couples and slowly but surely, women are also coming to Tantra. Then the two workshops, both with small groups, all lovely people.

The work went very deep on numerous occasions. This depth usually is on both the physical and emotional level simultaneously. I have the idea to construct a plan (and a special price) for those students who want to come back for on-going sessions/training and I will be doing this shortly and positing it on this website.

I had little spare time, between seeing two students a day, there is so much changing of sheets and towels and I wonder if you can imagine the amount of washing! I don’t do it myself (no room for a washing machine in my flat) but have a lovely personal service through a friend who brings and collects. I used the massage table a number of times, utilising my newly learned tantric touch massage that Ron Solo taught me. The amount of oil that lands of the floor is quite astounding - thank goodness for tiles, yet oil somehow seems to get everywhere - it is a very resistant and determined material!

I love Jo'burg – I’ve written this before in my journal and yes, it is so. Every time I’m up there my experiences with the people of JHB are great. I spend a lot of time in Melville – I love the little shops, the bars, cafes and restaurants. I sometimes go there to just sit and watch the happy people going about their business. I’ve noticed that people are most happy in the hours after work or after lectures. Melville becomes such a joyous hub-bub of all kinds of folk enjoying the end of their working day. I find everyone friendly...and worldly (remember I live in a very quiet place on the coast), and yes, busy too. There is a particular kind of flair about our big city that reminds me of the cities of Europe.

In Hamburg, where I lived for many years there is the city centre with the big department stores which is absolutely dead at night and then there are numerous suburbs with an atmosphere of their own, with pavement cafes, restaurants, clubs, cinemas, little boutique shops and people milling around at all times of the day and night. I always lived more in my suburb than in the big city when I was living there, meaning, I hardly went into “town”. It is like this for me in Johannesburg. Melville has become “my suburb" and I feel at home there.

So after all my wonderful students, the workshops and the drive back home (I had my car up with me for the first time – in the past I always flew in and then was stuck in my flat more or less) what conclusions was I able to make about the meaning of the initial upheaval?

What I noticed is that it functioned like a threshold, like a gateway, an archway in my life. Once I had walked through it, life on the other side was clearer than it had been for a couple of months. Do you know such times or moments in life, whereby you have the feeling afterwards that you have walked over a threshold? My threshold was about loosing attachment – once again – to situations, feelings, plans people and things. I realized that my motivation to make the move had been materialistic in that I wanted the much lower rent, the comfort of a whole house with washing machine, filled up kitchen on my arrival and nothing going stale after I leave. And a TV in the evenings to “switch off”! Excuse the pun! I hardly watched TV actually while I was in the house, and enjoy being in my flat without any distraction. It allows me to let the sessions of the day slowly retreat from my thoughts in the evenings in full awareness of what they had brought and meant to me.

The idea was good, but was this what Existence wanted for me? Obviously not! How do I know that? Well it is actually easy but often not so easy to become aware of and respond to. If something comes easily, in a flowing, a ripple, a fitting together of people, situations and things, it is usually meant to be. When things become difficult, don’t match up, causing problem upon problem, it is usually a sign that it should not be! I have seen this time and time again in my life – what is meant to be comes simply, almost falling into your lap and what is not meant to be is always something you feel you have to fight and argue for.

The threshold was to simply let it go. So simple and so difficult. Letting something go that is not coming easily often functions like walking over a threshold.

Once I was over mine – and boy did I hang on in there – there was a simple feeling of joyfulness, of contentment, a restfulness and warmth, the disappointment gone totally. That was my sign. There was no “issue” still to resolve with my friends – whatever their reason was to their part in the confusion was not really my business or my issue. They are responsible for that. I am responsible for my choices and my responses and no one else can be made responsible for this in my life. There is no blaming or “victim story” about them getting me into such a situation etc. It was my choice and I had made it based on materialistic goals and not on an inner wisdom – so it was actually all perfectly fine to have happened the way it did. I graciously took the message about Trust, trusting I would earn enough to keep my flat, trusting I would manage all I have to manage on my own, trusting that making a mistake is not a bad thing, simply something we sometimes do.

I have also said this before somewhere in my journal – the times of difficulty are my times of learning and the times of peace and easiness are my times for resting. The resting is wonderful, but I must admit, I welcome the learning periods more as they are the times of growth. I want to grow. I will always want to grow. This, to me, is one of the most beautiful aspects of life, the fact that we are given so many opportunities to grow in every way and particularly – if we are willing to take the lesson to its deepest and fullest – to grow spiritually.

I am so grateful for what Existence places in my path. I am grateful for these three weeks in Johannesburg, I am grateful for the difficulties – I have learnt well.

Namaste
Leandra

Something about sexuality and South Africa

In my personal circle of friends, I am being met with a variety of reactions to my association with Tantra. Often the reactions are great, people start opening up about their sexuality and interest in Tantra and it is quite amazing to find how many individuals and couples there are, who have been reading the web or buying books and DVD’s on the subject.

On the other hand, I have also been met with a great deal of fear and rejection. This does not concern me personally, I know who I am and what I do and personal projections of inner repressions do not bother me much. What concerns me is the lack of understanding of what Tantra is about that prevalent in our society. The background for this is that very little Tantra is being practiced in our country and within that, what is being practiced is more often than not, not the real thing. But behind this is something else.

The nature of our society here in SA is actually a society against anything sexual – much more so than in Europe where there is quite an open-minded attitude. Our Calvinistic Christian background has much to do with this. In Germany, the prevalence of Martin Luther’s teachings allows for much acceptance amidst a wide variety of people and lifestyles. There, people have for many, many years held an attitude of tolerance towards others ways and practices. The laws of the country allow much more freedom for the individual and protection of individual rights and lifestyles this than here – in spite of our liberal constitution.

So, on this background, what is it that certain people are reacting to when they hear that I am a Tantra coach?

It is their fantasies about Tantra and what it entails, coupled with a staunch conservative upbringing which negates our sexual nature completely and which in turn, allows their fantasies to flourish. The perception is that practicing Tantra means all you become interested in is sex, and that tantrikers run around all day thinking of sex – in fact further, it makes anyone who is at ease with the sexual and their sexuality somehow “bad people”.

I sometimes get the impression that some people think of me as a sex-maniac of sorts. This results in false projections for example, when I am affectionate or speak openly of sexual matters. Some people like to think my openness is equivalent to making a sexual advance, others prefer to simply think of me as a “lost” human being whereas, actually, the opposite is always true.

All this is, is a reflection of their own minds, their own pre-occupation with sexuality, their own fears of “giving in” to what they would actually like for themselves, namely to be free of constraints that are limiting in any way. They are unaware that living a tantric life does not make one a “focused on the sexual” human being, but rather takes that prevalent focus away and places the focus more on becoming an open, free and non-judgmental human being – which to me is what spirituality is about.

The realization that we are not separate but entirely connected with each other and with all of life, that you are a part of me and I am a part of you, is what connects us with each other, and in this we are all connected with Divine, God. To me, this realisation opens one up to a spiritual attitude towards life - no matter what your religious conviction is. Buddhism and Hinduism come closest to this where there is a clear understanding that we are all Divine, part of God. If I truly know this, how can I reject something in you – I would be rejecting a part of my own being.

The other aspect that is not useful to open-mindedness, is the connotation that everything from the east can only be of the devil, be it simple yoga classes or good advanced sexual education, and that we must stay virgins until marriage and then have sex pretty quickly and certainly not passionately. This stems strongly from a strong dogmatic “born again” Christian trend in this country. The “promise” of going to hell when Christ comes again, is indeed deeply disturbing and threatening. I know this from experience, as part of my path in finding the Truth about life, love and the Divine, was a journey of some years through such a church.

It saddens me to see how limited people are. It saddens me more to see how limiting their attitudes towards others and towards the whole of life can be. What they are not aware of, is the limitations they impose on others, limit themselves the most.

The opposite of all these projections is actually true. I have found that sex is far less on my mind since finding Tantra. This is because the sexual is no longer repressed, no longer has to be hidden. There is no need to restrict anything and in so doing, I have become more pre-occupied with all the wonders of life, sex is simply one of them.

Tantra does not make you more sexual than you already are. We are sexual beings. It is the repression of this very real fact of life, that makes it all bad. Loose your repression and you understand your true nature more, you no longer need to be secretive about sexual matters, or openly blatant about it. Sex becomes something so natural, like brushing your teeth - well almost! And when it is natural, you loose the constant, crazy search for sexual relief. Taking up Tantra in a serious manor will teach you to be orgasmic at every level of your life - can it get better than that?

It teaches you to experience pleasure in a more intensive way, you become grateful for the little mundane things in life and this on a high level. That makes you more satisfied that you could ever be through a sexual encounter or a bombastic orgasm. That is over so quickly and then everything is back to normal, till next time. Understanding the sexual as something spiritual will give you much more than you can imagine. It sets you free from the constant race for that orgasm. Why should you, you have it all within yourself! It allows the expression of your sexuality to become fuller, more satisfying because all of you is involved - not just your genitals. Your body, mind and soul (to use one of those regular esoteric phrases) becomes involved and that gives you more satisfaction, more discernment, more awareness than in a regular sexual encounter.

In writng this, I would like to encourage those of you who are hesitating on account of such above mentioned conditioning restrictions, to start the journey at some point that you find acceptable and see where it leads you. Our progress is entirely individual and there is no set route, no expectations causing distress – simply a wonderful journey to the very centre of your being, which is Divine.

Namaste
Leandra

1st January 2007 - It's a new year again!

It's a new year again! How quickly this comes, a momentary transition.

I have spent the festive season in training. My gift on Christmas day was, after some months of intense correspondence, finally meeting the international tantric touch and Tantra massage specialist Ron Solo, who had just flown in from Australia, and beginning the practical training with him. This culminated in the one-day tantric touch workshop on the 30th which we facilitated together. My tantric journey in the days before the workshop went deep - my experience of Tantra with trained and experienced tantrikers has always been like this. This took me to even further depths of my soul and being, and I have come out of this training invigorated, motivated and transformed. Experiencing, learning never ceases and so transformation is inevitable.

Facilitating the workshop together was a highlight for me. We had 15 participants from all over South Africa – Cape Town, Durban, Pretoria, and of course Johannesburg, where the workshop took place – all of whom went away with a new experience of what sensual touch can be. It was a wonderful experience for all and the feedbacks we are receiving are encouraging and motivating. I will be holding similar workshops around SA in the course of this year. In addition to this, my own planned workshops (more in the German tradition of Tantra workshops), will be on the program which will appear shortly here on my website and on The School of Durga Tantra website, which I am currently working on.

One of the things that my experiences this last year have endorsed in me, is the fact that it is necessary to have continual training if I am to put a true message out there of what Tantra is about. I have had extremely varying experiences with teachers of Tantra. The self taught teachers lack a number of things which are exceptionally important:

• they lack the experience of being on the receiving end of the teaching, and thus do not know what it means to be in the vulnerability it takes to submit to such deep processes.

• they lack the experience of submitting to a teacher, which requires a deep trusting, in itself part of the experience and so important in Tantra. They therefore also lack the feeling of strong willingness to learn from someone else.

• they lack the input of people experienced in a tantric lifestyle and qualified for tantric work. Their knowledge, from books and videos, is extremely limited. More importantly, they assimilate knowledge that they then put into practice with "guinea pigs" who are actually real people and who deserve more. Practicing on personal friends and lovers, i.e. in personal relationships, does not do what the submission to training can achieve.

As I mentioned earlier, part of the training is learning the value of total trust and understanding the vulnerability you submit into, which brings a dimension not possible in personal relationships.

There is nothing wrong with self-teaching, it should however be used for one’s self and not as a teaching to experiment with and impose on others. This can and should be used privately, not professionally. Working on such an intimate level actually requires a great deal of qualified training and experience. My qualification in the expressive psychotherapies required many years of training, and together with over 20 years year's of professional work in the field of experiential psychotherapies, allows me to voice such an opinion from a professional standpoint. What this practice results in is a crashing through personal boundaries, a subtle manipulation and control which ultimately has no purpose but to make the giver feel great. It also opens the door to teachings which are biased and not a true rendition of what Tantra is. This does not do Tantra any good. It also does not do the individual any good.

I know all this from personal experience. It has happened to me here in SA (and only here - the Europeans tend to be much more professional in their approach) and I have seen it happen here to others. I was able to deal extremely well with the manipulative encroachment on my person and taken it for what it was, a learning curve. But will this be the case for the younger, less experienced person? This worries me deeply.

We are extremely vulnerable when it comes to Tantra here in SA. There is little choice to make educated, free choices. In Europe, where there is an abundance of schools and teachers and a large tantric community, this is an entirely different situation. My endeavour this 2007, is to bring a quality of Tantra to South Africa that is comparable with the high standard and quality of work being done internationally. I will also be returning to Germany later this year to further my training with qualified and experienced trainers. I cannot possibly imagine why anyone would want to miss out on getting this kind of valuable input. I have a deep desire to grow, to learn, to progress. I long for encounters with people like Klaus Smedts and Ron Solo, they have given me so much on a very deep personal level, as well as immeasurably valuable training for the work I do.

I find it particularly exciting to have learnt from Ron that there was a vibrant, small tantric community in JHB during the 60ties and 70ties - brought to SA by two women who had received training in Europe and the UK. Even more exciting, is the fact that I have been given the privilege of bringing this quality of Tantra to SA again. I take this on with gratitude and joy and with a feeling of responsibility.

It is with this feeling of deep gratitude that I begin 2007. For the many clients who entrusted themselves to my work in 2006 - it is from you that I continually learn. Thank you so much for your faith in what I do.

For the two intense trainings with wonderful teachers last year, the influences of both of which have, and are finding their way into my own work. The blessings of my trainers, Klaus Smedts and Ron Solo, both of whom I deeply admire, accompany me into this new year of tantric work.

I wish you all a blessed 2007. May you all have many moments of joy and bliss and whatever your journey is, remember there is a beginning, but there is no ending. It is the journey itself that makes each moment so special. In the hardest moments of life are the deepest lessons to be learnt. Accept these with gratitude and experience what a difference it makes. Hardship does not disappear, but it the willingness to accept what is in your path, moves you in a different way and allows you to transform and to grow.

Namaste
Leandra